Have you ever noticed that those who live the most enlightened and carefree lives often appear unusually detached in their family relationships? They don't lose sleep over a parent's complaint, they don't fret or break down over a child's failure, and they aren't heartbroken by a sibling's lack of understanding. They seem indifferent to everything, yet their family relationships are often the most harmonious. How is this possible? Today, I want to tell you a truth that has been misunderstood for thousands of years. This truth lies hidden in the deepest wisdom of Buddhism , yet few truly understand it. The Diamond Sutra contains the phrase "One should abide nowhere and yet give rise to the mind. " Many have recited it their entire lives but have never grasped its true meaning. It doesn't mean... You become heartless so that you understand that true love is not what you think it is. Two thousand five hundred years ago, after the Buddha attained enlightenment under the Bodhi tree, he revealed a truth that shocked everyone. He said that there are eight sufferings in life , one of which is the suffering of separation from loved ones. What does this mean? It means that the more you love someone, the more you suffer. It's not because love itself is problematic , but because you've turned love into attachment, concern into control, and giving into a transaction. The *Samyutta Nikaya* records the following passage: Once, a layperson came to see the Buddha. His face was full of sorrow, and his eyes were red. The Buddha asked him what was wrong. He said, "Venerable One, my son doesn't listen to me. I worry about him every day and my heart is breaking for him, but he doesn't understand at all." I really don't know what to do. Guess how the Buddha answered? The Buddha didn't teach him how to persuade his son , nor did he give him any methods for disciplining children. The Buddha simply said one sentence: " The reason you are suffering is not because your son is disobedient , but because you think he should be obedient." This sentence directly hits the core of the problem. Almost all the suffering we experience in family relationships comes from one word : "should. " Parents should understand me, children should listen to me, siblings should support me, and my partner should understand my thoughts. But have you ever thought about where these "shoulds " come from ? Who made these rules? Are they self-evident? No, these "shoulds " are all scripts you made up yourself. You wrote them down in your heart. A story defines everyone's role and lines, and you expect them to act according to your script. But what is reality? The reality is that everyone has their own script; no one will live according to your ideas. When reality doesn't match your script, you suffer. In Buddhism, there's a very important concept called dependent origination and emptiness , meaning that everything in the world, including relationships between people, arises from causes and conditions. It's not fixed; it's constantly changing. Your parents won't always be as you remember them, your children won't always need you, and your siblings won't always be on your side. This isn't pessimism ; it's reality. Only when you truly accept this reality can you... Only by freeing yourself from those pointless attachments can you understand that true love is not about holding on but letting go , not about control but blessing , not about demanding that the other person become what you want them to be but allowing them to be themselves. This is why those who have lived life with clarity often seem so cold in family relationships— because they have seen through the so-called warmth and care. If it is based on attachment and control, it is not love at all , but a form of disguised harm. Next, I will tell you three stories. These three stories come from different eras and backgrounds , but they all point to the same truth. After listening to these three stories, you will have a completely new understanding of the coldness in family relationships. The first story takes place in the time of the Buddha, during the time of the Buddha's ten great disciples. There was a venerable being with unparalleled supernatural powers named Maudgalyayana . How powerful was Maudgalyayana? He could see everything in the Three Realms and Six Paths through his supernatural abilities , could fly from the human world to the heavens in an instant, and could move mountains and rivers with his will. At that time, almost no one's supernatural powers surpassed his. However, even such a powerful venerable being suffered greatly because of one thing. Maudgalyayana's mother, in her lifetime, was a stingy and greedy person who did not believe in cause and effect. After her death , due to the evil karma she had created, she fell into the realm of hungry ghosts, suffering endless hunger and torment. Maudgalyayana, using his supernatural powers, saw his mother's plight, and his heart ached. He thought, "I have such great supernatural powers; I must save my mother." So he used his supernatural powers to conjure up delicious food and personally delivered it to his mother. But, as you know, something happened... "What?!" Maudgalyayana exclaimed. The food turned to flames the moment it reached his mother's lips, making it impossible to eat . He tried again and again, exhausting all methods , but he could not change his mother's condition. In despair, he ran to the Buddha , knelt on the ground, and wept bitterly. "World Honored One, I am the most powerful in supernatural abilities , why can't I even save my own mother? Please tell me , what should I do?" The Buddha looked at him and remained silent for a long time before speaking a sentence that shocked Maudgalyayana and everyone present. The Buddha said, "Maudgalyayana , no matter how great your supernatural abilities are , you cannot take away your mother's own karma. Everyone creates their own karma and can only bear it themselves. You cannot save her not because you are not powerful enough , but because this is not something you can save in the first place. " Maudgalyayana was stunned. He had never considered this question; he always believed that as long as he was strong enough, he could protect the one he loved. But the Buddha told him that there are some things in this world that no power can change. However, the story wasn't over. The Buddha continued, " Although you alone cannot save her , there is a way to help her reduce her karmic obstacles. The fifteenth day of the seventh month each year is the day when the monks' summer retreat ends. On that day , the merits of the monks from all directions are most auspicious. If you can make offerings to the monks from all directions with a sincere heart on that day, and dedicate the merit of this offering to your mother, it may be possible to help her escape suffering. " Maudgalyayana did as he was told. On the fifteenth day of the seventh month, he prepared the best offerings and made them to the monks from all directions with the utmost devotion. A miracle occurred. His mother, through this merit, was finally liberated from the realm of hungry ghosts. This is the origin of the Ullambana Festival . But what I want to tell you is not the origin of this festival; I want to tell you the deeper meaning behind this story. Have you noticed that when Maudgalyayana was alone, he exhausted all his supernatural powers but could not save anyone? But when he let go of his obsession with saving her and instead relied on the power of monks from all directions , he succeeded. What does this show? This shows true help... Helping others isn't about showing off your strength alone. True wisdom lies in knowing what you can and cannot do. Maudgalyayana was able to save his mother not because he became more powerful , but because he finally acknowledged his powerlessness. The same principle applies to family relationships. You might want to change your parents , making them more open-minded and understanding; you might want to change your children , making them more obedient and ambitious; you might want to change your partner, making them more considerate and understanding. But have you considered why you believe you can change someone? Even Maudgalyayana, with his unparalleled supernatural powers, couldn't do it. What makes you think you can? When you acknowledge this, when you truly accept the fact that you can't change anyone, you'll find that the heavy burden in your heart instantly lifts. You no longer need to be responsible for other people's lives; you only need to do what you can do. Then, leave the outcome to fate. This is the lesson the first story teaches you. Recognizing your own powerlessness is not giving up, but the beginning of liberation. The second story takes place more than a thousand years ago in ancient times. There was a Zen master who was very talented in his youth. He had read through various classics by his teens and had a profound understanding of Buddhism by the age of twenty. Many people said that he would definitely become a great master in the future. However, this Zen master had a knot in his heart, which was... His father was an ordinary farmer who had never received much education and knew nothing of profound truths. When the Zen master was young, his father was very strict with him , often beating and scolding him, and never showing him any affection. After the Zen master became a monk, he always wanted to enlighten his father, hoping he could also learn Buddhism , chant scriptures, and understand the principles of cause and effect. However, every time he returned home, his father would only give him a cold look and then continue with his work. Even when the Zen master gave sermons and expounded the Dharma, his father wouldn't listen to a single word. The Zen master gave his father a Buddhist rosary, which his father immediately tossed aside in a corner. The more the Zen master tried to enlighten his father, the more his father resented him. This became the Zen master's greatest regret. Later, the Zen master's father fell seriously ill . Upon hearing the news, the Zen master rushed home overnight. Seeing his father lying on the bed, emaciated, a strong sense of guilt and resentment welled up in his heart. He thought this might be the last chance. No matter what, he had to help his father attain enlightenment and be able to recite the Buddha's name for rebirth in the Pure Land . So he knelt before his father's bedside. He began explaining the Pure Land Dharma , Amitabha Buddha's vows , and the importance of the final thought at the moment of death. He spoke with tears streaming down his face, his mouth dry and parched , but his father remained with his eyes closed, not uttering a single word. The Zen master was in despair; he couldn't understand why, despite his efforts, his father wouldn't accept him. Just then, his father suddenly opened his eyes, looked at him , and spoke. His father's voice was weak , but every word was very clear. He said, "Son, you've been intelligent since childhood, you understand everything." "You can do everything , but there's one thing you still don't understand, " the Zen master asked. " What is it? " the father replied. "You've always wanted to convert me , but have you ever asked me if I wanted to be converted? You think you're helping me , but do you know what I'm thinking every time you talk to me about Buddhism ? I'm thinking that I, your son, have never truly accepted me. He always wants to change me, he wants to mold me into his ideal version of me. " The Zen master was stunned. The father continued, " Do you know when I was happiest in my life? It wasn't when you passed the imperial examinations , nor when you were called a high-ranking monk. It was when you were little, it was raining one day , and you ran to the fields to help me harvest rice. That day, you didn't say anything, you just silently stayed with me while I worked. That day, I felt that you were my son." After saying this, the father closed his eyes again. Three days later, the father passed away. The Zen master knelt before his father's coffin for a whole night. That night, he finally saw the light. He finally understood a truth, a truth he hadn't grasped despite reading so many scriptures. He realized that true filial piety isn't about changing your parents into what you want them to be; true love isn't about trying to convert or change anyone; true compassion is accepting a person as they are, even if that person isn't perfect in your eyes. He thought he was converting his father , but he was actually satisfying himself. He thought he was giving love , but he was actually expressing control. He thought he was... While he was fulfilling his filial duty, he was actually escaping , avoiding facing a father who was different from what he had imagined. It was at that moment that he truly awakened. From then on, when teaching his disciples, this Zen master often said, "Don't judge others by your own standards. Don't use your own heart to speculate , arrange , or decide other people's lives. Everyone has their own path to walk. Even with your closest relatives, you have no right to make decisions for them." This story tells us that the most terrifying thing in family relationships is not indifference , but control under the guise of "for your own good." Many times , we think we are loving , but in reality, we are just projecting our own anxieties , fears, and expectations onto the other person. You worry about your parents' health, so you force them to take all kinds of health supplements. You worry about your children's future, so you force them to learn this and that. You worry that your partner will leave you, so you constantly want to control their whereabouts. But have you ever thought about...? All these so-called worries , who are they really for? Are they for them or for yourself? Often we think we're giving, but actually we're just taking. What we're taking is security, a sense of control, self-affirmation that we're good people. When you see this clearly, you can truly love someone —not the suffocating kind of love , not the conditional kind, but a genuine, pure love without any strings attached. This is the lesson the second story teaches you. Letting go of the obsession with doing what's best for you is true compassion. The third story… The story originates from Buddhist scriptures. During the Buddha's time, there was a layperson named Vimalakirti. This man was extraordinary. Although a layperson, he possessed the wisdom and spiritual attainment of a Bodhisattva. He was well-versed in all Buddhist teachings and his eloquence was unparalleled; even many of the Buddha's great disciples were inferior to him. One day, Vimalakirti fell ill. When the news spread, many people wanted to visit him. The Buddha, knowing this, instructed his disciples to take turns visiting Vimalakirti and, incidentally, to discuss the Dharma with him. However, a strange thing happened: one after another , the Buddha's great disciples declined, saying they dared not approach the relics. Maudgalyayana said he dared not go, Mahakasyapa said he dared not go. Why ? Because they had all spoken with Vimalakirti before , and each time they had been rendered speechless by his questions. So they were too embarrassed to go again. In the end, only Manjushri Bodhisattva was willing to go. Manjushri Bodhisattva led a group of people to Vimalakirti's residence. After they entered, they found Vimalakirti lying in bed, looking quite ill. Manjushri Bodhisattva asked him, " Layman, where does your illness come from?" Vimalakirti's answer was very interesting. He said, "My illness comes from the illness of sentient beings. Because sentient beings are sick..." So I also got sick. When all sentient beings recover from their illnesses, my illness will recover too. This sounds very compassionate , right? But if you only see that layer , then you haven't seen what Vimalakirti truly wanted to say. Next, Manjushri Bodhisattva asked another question: How should a Bodhisattva comfort a sick person? Vimalakirti's answer shocked everyone. He said that one should not let the sick person develop more attachments , nor should one let them develop more aversions. What does this mean ? It means that when you care for someone, you shouldn't let them... Don't become more attached to his illness , nor make him hate it more. Don't keep telling him he must get better, because this will make him attached to the concept of health. Don't keep saying how pitiful it is to be sick, because this will make him hate his situation more. True comfort is not giving the other person more attachment , but helping them see attachment itself clearly. Vimalakirti also said that the patient should be told that the body is impermanent , illusory , and arises from causes and conditions. Don't be attached to it. At the same time , don't completely neglect or abandon it just because the body is impermanent. We should face this body with the right attitude. Hearing this, you might think Vimalakirti is a bit cold-blooded. Why doesn't he offer comforting words to sick people , instead spouting Buddhist doctrines ? What kind of concern is that? But think about it carefully. When someone is sick, if you only comfort them with words like "don't worry, everything will be alright," do you think it's really useful? These words might make them feel better temporarily , but have they solved the fundamental problem? Have they resolved their fear of illness? Their fear of death? Has the anxiety been resolved? No. What Vimalakirti did was help the other person fundamentally change their way of looking at problems. It wasn't that he didn't care; he cared in a different way. He wasn't concerned about the other person's temporary feelings , but their long-term awakening. This is Vimalakirti's wisdom. He may appear cold on the surface , but his heart is warmer than anyone else's. He simply doesn't want to express his care in a superficial and ineffective way because he knows that doing so will only make the other person fall into deeper attachment. Have you noticed that this story is similar to the previous two stories? Actually, they all tell the same story. The story of Maudgalyayana teaches us to recognize our own powerlessness; the story of the Zen master teaches us to let go of the attachment to doing things for your own good; and the story of Vimalakirti teaches us that true care is not about fulfilling the other person's expectations , but about helping them see the truth. These three stories, from three different perspectives, point to the same core: in family relationships, the more you try to hold on , the more you lose; the more you try to control the relationship, the more tense it becomes; the more you try to change the other person, the more they resist you. This isn't some profound theory; it's the simplest truth. When you look at these three stories together, you'll find that the letting go mentioned in Buddhism doesn't mean becoming heartless ; on the contrary , it means making your love purer, more real , and more powerful. Now, let's analyze the principles behind these stories more deeply. The Heart Sutra says, " Form is not different from emptiness." "Form is not different from emptiness; emptiness is form. " Many people have heard this saying , but few truly understand it. What does "form is emptiness" mean? Simply put, "form" refers to all phenomena in the world, including our bodies , our feelings, our thoughts, and our relationships with others. " Emptiness" doesn't mean these things don't exist, but rather that they don't have a fixed, unchanging essence. Are your parents today the same people as your parents ten years ago ? In terms of names, yes , but in essence, they are constantly changing. Their bodies are changing, their thoughts are changing, and their relationship with you is changing. The parents you cling to are actually just a concept, a label, in your mind. Your real parents are new every second. When you understand this... You will no longer be attached to what parents should be like, because there is no fixed "should be." Everything is changing, everything is a product of causes and conditions, and nothing is under your control. This is not pessimism; this is liberation. Nagarjuna said in the *Madhyamaka-karika*: " All phenomena arise from causes and conditions. I say they are empty , they are provisional names , and they are the Middle Way." All things that arise from causes and conditions are empty , provisional names , and have no fixed essence. However, this does not mean they do not exist , nor does it mean we do not need to face them. The Middle Way means neither clinging to existence nor clinging to non-existence; neither believing that relationships are eternal and unchanging , nor completely disregarding your relationship with your family simply because it changes. Like a flower , it blooms and fades. When it's beautiful, you appreciate it; when it fades, you do n't cling to it. You don't stop appreciating it just because it fades, nor do you demand it remain forever because it was once beautiful. This is what Buddhism calls "not dwelling on the past , not dwelling on the future , but simply abiding in the present." When you can approach family relationships with this mindset, you'll find that many things that previously caused you pain suddenly cease to be painful. You no longer need your parents' approval to feel valuable; you no longer need your children's success to feel you're good parents; you no longer need your partner's perfection to feel the marriage is worthwhile. You simply quietly remain in this relationship. Do what you can and let things take their course. This is the true meaning behind detachment. It's not indifference , but non-attachment. It's not heartlessness , but a higher level of compassion. Having explained so much, you might ask how to put it into practice. Are there any practical methods to apply this wisdom in daily life? Yes , I'm going to give you four levels of practice, from simple to complex. You can choose according to your own situation. The first level is called recognizing boundaries. This is the most basic and also the most important step. You need to clearly understand what you can control and what you cannot control. What you can control is your own words and actions . Attitude is your own choice; what you can't control is other people's thoughts , feelings , and decisions. Many people suffer in family relationships because they confuse these two. They want to control other people's thoughts , change their feelings , and make decisions for them. But these are things you can't control. A simple exercise is to ask yourself a question when you feel pain : Is this thing that's causing me pain within my control or outside my control? If it's within your control, then change it. If it's outside your control, then accept it. It's that simple . The second level is called letting go of what you should. This is more difficult than the first level because the idea of ​​"should" is deeply ingrained in our minds: parents should love their children, children should be filial to their parents, spouses should understand each other, and siblings should help each other. These "shoulds" seem like a given , but they are precisely the root of suffering . Why? Because these "shoulds " are standards you set , not the other person's. You use your standards to demand that others meet them, of course they won't. Even if they occasionally do, you'll feel it's only natural and won't feel grateful; you 'll just think it's how it should be. A good practice is that whenever the thought "he/she should" pops into your mind, immediately replace it with "if he/she should..." It's good if she can, but it's okay if she can't. For example, instead of saying "Mom should understand me," say "It's good if Mom can understand me, but it's okay if she can't. " Instead of saying " My husband should remember our anniversaries, " say "It's good if my husband can remember, but if he can't, I can remind him or I can celebrate myself. " Instead of saying "The children should listen to me," say " It's good if the children listen to my suggestions, but if they can't, they have their own considerations." The third level is called "seeing projection. " This level is deeper. As mentioned before, many times we think we are caring about others, but in fact we are just projecting ourselves. We project our fears onto our parents, so we desperately want them to be healthy, and we project our own anxieties. We project our insecurities onto our children , so we desperately want them to succeed. We project our own insecurities onto our partners, so we desperately try to control them. When you can see these projections, you can take them back. A very effective exercise is to stop when you feel worried or angry about a loved one and ask yourself this question: What would happen if I didn't care about this at all ? Note that I said "if," not "if," but "if." I'm asking you to imagine what would happen to your life if you didn't care. You'll find that many times, that change is precisely what you're afraid to face. For example, if you worry about your parents' health... What if you completely disregard this matter? Perhaps your fear is that if something happens to them , you'll feel guilty and like you're not a good child. So your worries aren't just for them , but also for yourself. To avoid that feeling of guilt, when you see this layer, your worries won't be so heavy anymore because you know that part of this is your own problem, not theirs. You can take responsibility for your own problems and also allow them to take responsibility for their own lives. The fourth level is called transformation. Connecting the previous three levels , all of which talk about letting go , but letting go is not the same as giving up or severing ties. True wisdom lies in building a new one after letting go of attachment . A healthier way of connecting: The core of this new way of connecting is two words: blessing. What is blessing? Blessing is not expectation , not demand , not control. Blessing is wishing you well, but the definition of well is up to you , not me. I support you in doing anything that makes you happy, even if it's not what I want. I believe you are capable of taking responsibility for your own life, even if you make mistakes. Blessing is a completely unconditional love. When you learn to replace expectation with blessing and control with acceptance, you will find that your relationship with your family will undergo a wonderful change. They will no longer need to be on guard. You no longer need to fight back because they know they are safe with you; they can be their true selves. This kind of relationship is truly harmonious. Also, I want to emphasize that the coldness I'm talking about here is completely different from true indifference. What is true indifference? It's being uncaring , completely unconcerned , doing whatever you want, and having nothing to do with your life or death. But what we're talking about today is coldness— it's loving the other person deeply while maintaining clarity , knowing what I can do and what I can't, letting go of expectations of how the other person should be, and allowing them to be themselves. There's a world of difference between not projecting your own anxiety onto the other person and not trying to control them in the name of love. Many people, upon hearing "letting go," think it means abandoning them and cutting off all contact with their families. No, true letting go means maintaining composure and freedom within the relationship, not severing ties. You can care about your parents , but you don't need to worry about them. You can help your children , but you don't need to live for them. You can love your partner , but you don't need to treat them as an appendage. That's the true meaning of being ruthless. Today... We discussed a profound topic : why do those who seem to have a clear understanding of life often appear cold in family relationships? The answer is because they have seen a truth: true harmony comes not from control , but from letting go; true love comes not from attachment , but from freedom; true compassion is not about fulfilling the other person's expectations , but about helping them awaken. We told three stories: the story of Maudgalyayana tells us that recognizing our own powerlessness is the beginning of wisdom; the story of the Zen master tells us that letting go of the attachment to "doing what's best for you" is true filial piety; the story of Vimalakirti tells us... Our true concern isn't about giving the other person more attachment , but about helping them see the truth. We also discussed four levels of spiritual practice: recognizing boundaries, letting go, seeing, projecting, transforming, and connecting. These four levels progress from simple to complex. You can practice according to your own situation. Now, I want to ask you a question: In your life, is there someone you've always wanted to change, someone you've always wanted to mold into your ideal image? It could be your parents, your children , your partner, or even your siblings. Are you willing to start trying today? Letting go does n't mean abandoning him or ignoring him; it simply means letting go of your attachment to him, your expectations of him, and your control over him. Then see what happens. You might find that the moment you let go, you feel a sense of lightness you've never experienced before. You might find that when you stop trying to change the other person, they are more willing to open up to you. You might find that your relationship becomes better than before in some wonderful way. This isn't my theory; it's the real experience of countless people. Of course, I can't guarantee that this will work for everyone. Everyone 's situation is different, and the causes and conditions of every relationship are different. But what I can tell you is that the wisdom of letting go in Buddhism has been passed down for 2,500 years, helping countless people escape suffering and find freedom . It must have its reasons. Finally, I would like to conclude today's content with a quote from an old Zen master : "If flowers bloom, butterflies will come; if you are wonderful, heaven will arrange things accordingly. You don't need to chase after others, you do n't need to desperately try to change anyone. You just need to live your life well, take care of your heart, and when you are sufficiently stable and enlightened, those around you will naturally follow." Relationships will naturally become harmonious because you are no longer the one who needs to take from others; you have become the one who can give. Your very existence is a blessing. 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