Love can be blind. Love can last forever if you genuinely fall in love with the right person. >> Did you genuinely fall in love with them? >> I I did fall in love. >> If someone said to me like, "You're not my usual type, but like I'm glad that I chose you. >> I became a shell of myself. It made me insecure." >> If you're not allowed to spend a lot of time with your in-laws before you get married, how on earth are you meant to live with them when you get married? If you don't have a good relationship with them, >> why do we feel like just because it's husband and wife, now we'll form a relationship with you. As much as I truly still believe in marriage and truly do believe in love, we don't know what's going to happen in the future. There was no red flags. There was a few sort of moments where I was thinking, is he the same on camera when they're with us and the same off camera? And she had to figure that out. You actually figured out what your real love language was. >> Yeah, that's mad. I'm telling you, I learned so much about myself that was so needed. Today's guest is someone you may know from Lover is Blind season 2, Srova Core Oula. And now when you think about reality TV, you probably think drama, breakups, and chaos. But Sroa's story goes so much deeper. She's the eldest daughter in a South Asian family, the role model, the one who's expected to do everything right. And yet on national television, she did something unthinkable. She put herself first, stood up to cultural expectations, to family pressures, and even to her own self-doubt. In this episode, Srova opens up about what it really takes to find courage, how she learned to trust her gut, and why she still believes that love has no boundaries, no race, no culture, not gender, even after her marriage didn't last. So, if you've ever struggled with pressure, with expectations from society or your family, or with the fear of disappointing others, this conversation is going to shift something inside of you. So, stick around because this isn't just one about love. It's around strength. It's around resilience and building self-belief. And listen, if you love these conversations as much as I do, I'd be so grateful if you could press the like, follow, and subscribe button so you never miss an episode. And also, if you want to hear from more inspiring guests like these, I am so excited to share this conversation with you. Let's get into this episode. So, Roa, hello. >> Hello. >> Welcome to Millennial Mind. >> Thank you. >> We organized this 4 days ago and I don't think I've ever been so excited for an episode. >> I I literally can't believe it's only been a few days. Yes. >> I literally binge watched Love is Blind cuz I'd never watched it before. So, for people who have never really seen the show, tell me in 30 seconds what it's about. Okay, so ultimately it's trying to prove is love blind and you do that in a very expedited experiment. So you've got 15 girls, 15 boys and you date behind these pods where you basically never see them. All that you can do is talk. So you talk for 2 weeks and you're just dating and all that you can do is just talk about everything. You can't see them, you can't physically touch them, nothing like that. After that you go on holiday together, but that's only if you've chosen the person you want to be with and you propose to them. So, you propose without actually seeing them first. >> Yes. Which is um Yeah. Pretty insane, but it it works in in a way that I will obviously describe a bit later. Yeah. >> So, you go on holiday, which is amazing, and that's kind of like your dose of paradise together. >> And then the real world hits, and you move in together for a few weeks, and this is where you have to figure out, can you be with this person in the outside world? And ultimately after that, it leads up to the aisle and the aisle and the altar and the wedding. And at the end, you can decide whether this is your person for life. and if you want to get married or not. >> I feel like they've just stolen the idea of an arranged marriage. Except you don't get a holiday >> when you have an arranged marriage and you don't get a house to live in. They're just like, "Yep, you two, you go." >> So, I say this to everybody. Technically, I've done my own arranged marriage up until the point of a proposal because I said yes to someone without actually seeing them. The difference with my arranged marriage that I would say is I emotionally connected with someone and a lot of us in the generations above didn't get that chance before they said yes. What was your kind of definition of love before you went on the show? And do you think that changed after you went on the show? >> So my definition of love was always quite very fairy tale if I'm going to be honest. Beginning it really was. I used to see the Bollywood films. I used to see the Disney and I'd be like, "Oh my god, that's so beautiful to fall in love with that sort of prince charming." >> That's not life and that's not reality. And the reality I had was my parents ended up getting a divorce about 10 years ago. M >> that changed my whole perception of love cuz I realized sometimes things might not last forever. >> And it's made me a little bit more skeptical, a bit more guarded, and it's made me think twice before I ever sort of allow myself to fall in love. >> Going through love is blind made me vulnerable. I had to drop my guard. If I didn't drop my guard, how was I supposed to emotionally connect with someone? And I realized through it that love can be blind. Love can last forever if you genuinely fall in love with the right person. >> Did you genuinely fall in love with him? >> I I did fall in love. I I would say I actually fell in love for the first time because >> previously I had grown up with this sort of knowing the tick box, knowing who was kind of what your family expected the person to be that you marry. And for the first time in my life, I thought actually I don't have to follow this. I can put myself first because following all that I never fell in love. Why have I why haven't I? So I went in that completely blindly, completely putting myself first and I managed to fall in love and unfortunately it was with the wrong person. But it's allowed me to realize going forward this is how I need to date. This is how I need to be. >> It's so there's so much you said that that I want to break down. But I guess the first question I want to ask you is why did you go on that show? Because you've said, you know, you're the eldest of three girls, right? >> You know, you've always followed tradition. You've said like it was time to put yourself first, which I'm going to come on to a lot. But you know, you've also just said that you've always been somebody who's followed the rules. >> Yes. >> Going on a show like that isn't really following the rules. Right. Like going on a dating show, I can imagine if I told my parents, I'm going on a dating show. And by the way, I might get married 6 weeks later. Is it 6 weeks? >> About 6 weeks. >> Yeah. I might get married 6 weeks later. I think they would have a heart attack. How did your parents kind of take that? And how did you even have the courage to go on that show? >> So, I did it a little bit differently. I've always been able to be more open with my parents. there's been a mutual respect with us and we don't have to hold things back but we've had to work to have that relationship going on this I applied without them knowing because I thought what's the chances I even get on >> and the reason I did apply was because I tried dating for so many years but not putting myself first and when I say by not putting myself first is I was having this tick box where I was going for the Indian guy first because yes I find them attractive but also because I knew my family would be proud >> so from that then it would go to jobs And I knew there were certain jobs that are very highly respected. Of course, there's families out there that will, you know, job doesn't matter. But I still had the traditional sort of upbringing of I know what was, you know, and I wanted everyone to be proud of me. I've always lived like that. >> So then from job then it would go to family background. Then it would go so you would just carry on carry on. So by the time I've actually said yes to someone to start dating them, I've not actually put my own thoughts into this or what I'm looking for. So and it never worked out. I used to have guys saying to me like, "I don't know where I stand with you. Um, I don't even know if you like me." Because I think I was thinking what marriage is is marriage is someone who's going to be providing for you. Of course, you can stand your own two feet. We, you know, I'm educated. I have my own money. If someone's not there tomorrow, my life continues. Fine. But someone who provides, cares for you, is got good sort of father qualities to bring up a family and also good family background cuz they're going to merge with your own family. M >> so that's how I always sort of viewed marriage. Then I realized hang on a second why am I thinking so far ahead. I've not even don't even think I've fallen in love yet. So then I applied for this thinking well it's never worked out. I'm 29. I haven't settled down my 10ear plan 5ear plan and then at this point it became a 2-year plan has gone out the window. And I just thought if I get on to it it's meant to be. And it did. And I thought okay so maybe in the universe maybe what's written for me is something a little bit crazy. And I went in there intentionally. So I did not just go on a dating show, see what happens, have a bit of fun because morally that's not who I am. So I went on there to see can I build an emotional connection with someone and if I can >> that's where I will explore. So that's how I ended up on it. >> What you just said I think is so powerful in terms of we often put so many blockers in our way >> in terms of the expectations that we've created in our own heads. Yeah. Now, whilst I'm not saying that those aren't true, a lot of those are subconscious and I had those growing up because your parents and we're probably going to be like this when we're parents, right? Like I know when I have children, I'm going to tell my kids, make sure you find someone that's, you know, good for you. Make sure you find someone that's got a good job. Make sure you find someone that's ambitious as you. And sometimes when you say things like that, make sure you find someone that's, you know, can look after you. >> Yes. >> People and kids can interpret that as I must be with X X and X. >> Correct. >> Right. So these are like almost subconscious beliefs that we've created ourselves and then when we meet someone and they're great in so many ways an alarm goes off to be like oh my god you don't meet this this this and this which means you're not right for me >> right and as children we always want to please our parents >> 100% >> and as this grows up you're going to want to please society and you're going to want to please your family and you're going to want to please like even now I want to please my husband in a decision that I make my subconscious belief is like what is he going to think >> right and it's very difficult And also you have to have a lot of self-awareness. >> Correct. >> To be able to bring that back and think, okay, hold on. What do I actually think of it and I talk about this all the time. We constantly listen to the opinions of other people before we listen to the opinion of ourselves. >> And that's the switch that needs to happen. >> A hunt is a shift. >> And it's also the things you're saying about what we would want for our own kids. And I completely agree with that because I think naturally I would say that it's just the way of saying it is also adding in is someone who makes you happy. >> Yes. >> Someone who makes you feel loved because they might not actually know what love is. And I had to sort of learn over the years what love was. I've you know you through friendships, through relatives, through family, you think you know what love is but sometimes you can get taken advantage of in those situations as well. So you're almost having to figure it out as well. So I just always would say adding that in is make sure someone who makes you happy, someone who puts you first as well >> because equality comes in and that's something I learned through my relationship on it. >> I really want to understand what that shift for you was if I'm honest because a lot of us were watching that show seeing you as the eldest daughter, >> as a role model, as the first one who was making this big decision and I'm sure you had a lot of people saying well if you're going to do it then your sisters are going to do it. >> Yeah. >> How did you actually have the confidence to make that decision? I realized I was I'd reached 29 and I was like, "Oh my god, I'm going to be 30 next year." And I know we all need to drop this. When you hit 30, life does not end. It actually begins. And >> I cried my eyes out on my 30th birthday, by the way. I was like distraught that I was 30. So, I get it. >> I I had the leadup to that for several months and I was like, "Okay, so where is my life going?" Because I was at a crossroads with so many different parts of it and I was thinking, "Oh my god, like what do I do?" What happened is I was realized I'm actually not as happy as I thought I was. Yes, I'm going on holidays. Yes, I spend time with friends. Yes, I'm going to all the family events and I'm there for my parents. I'm I do all that. But am I actually happy? >> And that's the shift that happened was, oh my goodness, I'm going to be turning 30 next year. I don't even know if I'm genuinely happy in my own life right now. Something needs to change. >> And that something was I need to put myself first. Because before I make any decision in life up until last year, it was >> I almost put everybody else first. And I know that sounds a little bit strange, but I think as the eldest, you naturally do because you're not just the eldest daughter. You're almost a roll with us with your parents. I still I still feel like I manage them. Like me and dad and my sister's going on Yeah. going on holiday next week and dad just literally text me saying, "Oh, so what are the flight details, >> right?" >> Because I booked it. So I'm so used to doing that. And I thought even the flights, I'm like, "My god, I could have gone in the morning cuz I've got the day off from work." So if it was to suit them, that's why I did the evening flight. So little things I was like, hang on, I need to honestly put myself first because how long left I got on this earth? Life is short. And that really hit me. >> Where do you think that confidence came from though? >> I think it was building up. I It was building up in the fact that I'd gone through so the past sort of few years up until I went onto the show, I'd gone through quite a bit with sort of family politics, dynamics. Um, I've had to cut well up until that time cut off a lot of sort of toxic relatives and people who weren't good for me because I actually became a bit more anxious than I realized in life. And I thought, but if I'm doing everything by the book and I'm doing what everybody expects of me, why am I not feeling peaceful? >> Yes. >> That's the moment I realized, oh my god, something needs to change. So, >> I love that. >> That's exactly. And when I started to cut off relatives and certain friendships, etc., I started to become more peaceful. And it got to a point where I was like, I think I'm one of the happiest I've ever been and I'm on my own. I'm in a smaller circle. I don't attend all these events that everybody expects me to attend. And then it was left now and it's a partner. So it all kind of was building up, building up, building up. >> Different steps. So would you say the first step was probably self-reflection? >> Correct. >> The second step was action. >> Yes. >> And then would you say the third step was self-belief? >> Yeah. You need what I'm thinking like when I'm listening to you. Those are the three steps I would say that are so key to building confidence. And when I'm listening to you, it's like when you cut off toxic people and you know you've made the right decision, >> that fuels you to take more further action because you now have the self-belief >> cuz you're starting fresh. >> Exactly. You've built that back up again. >> Yeah. >> I really want to talk about the show in a way in which the viewers will understand who are listening right now if they haven't watched it. You basically went on, you met this guy called Cal. >> Yes. >> He proposed to you. >> Yes. And then you saw him for the first time, right? >> Correct. >> You got along with him. You went on holiday with him. You had a lovely time. There was no red flags. >> Not red flags. No. >> You then got married to him. >> Correct. >> Right. So you Sorry. You lived together for a bit, didn't you? >> So yeah. Sorry. So yeah, we did the holiday and Okay. So might have to stop a little bit there. So when I say there weren't red flags, there is part on the holiday where we usual type comes up. >> Yes. And a lot of people now and I really much I do look through my comments because I really do take into account people's perceptions because that's how you learn. We are none of us are perfect and it's a lot of growth and I I learned so much through others and now I've got this public platform. I'm learning more from my followers than I ever have from anybody else. And >> and a lot of people are saying, "Oh, the red flags were there from the beginning." And I was thinking, >> "Okay, now I'm finally out of love from this person, which I can now say cuz now I'm I've been healing." Looking back on it, I'm like, "Oh my god, there was." And I would say when someone tells you what their usual type is, if it's based on what you look like, that is a red flag. Because I had to ask my sisters this because my sisters are a lot more um advanced with dating. And they've had long-term successful relationships, which actually they've had to walk away from, which is a lot of courage in themselves. >> And they're a bit younger than me, but I did speak to them and I said, "Girl, I was like, "What would you say your usual type is?" And one of them said, "Oh, so like I don't really have a usual type." And I was like, "Well, what do you mean?" She goes, "Well, if I look at my exes before," she goes, "Nei of them, and none of them look the same. They all look so different." But she goes, "It's personality." So, she has a usual type, which is personality. Whereas my little sister said, "Yeah, it's the same thing." She goes, "I need someone who's ambitious because I want to grow with that person." And I think that's can be age, but also I agree now. I would still want to grow with someone. But with my, so with Cal, it was my usual type is someone who's blue eyes, blonde hair, and a white girl. And I thought, "Oh, now I see that as a red flag." But at the time, I didn't because he would reassure me behind closed doors. But I'm glad you're not my usual type. >> Yeah. >> Because where I live, um, I wouldn't have had the opportunity to meet an Indian girl. >> On retros, like looking back on that, of course, that's, you know, we're all wellraveled. you can't base your your town you've been brought up in as the demographic as to who you dated. >> So that's what I've learned. So there was a red flag which I did not realize at the time. >> That's really interesting actually. Is it a red flag if you always say that your type is based on looks now? >> Not a red flag, but if you've proposed to someone, you've seen them, you're spending time with them, your usual type, you don't need to tell them that. >> Why not? Because >> is it not a comp like I'm playing devil's advocate by here by the way. It's not like I necessarily agree, but >> isn't it for example, >> I guess it's a backhanded compliment actually, isn't it? To be like, you're not in my usual type, but I've chosen you actually. Yeah. I I guess >> maybe it's a red flag when it comes to you proposed to someone and just on the way to marriage because >> you can't change that. That's what you've always been attracted to. So then it comes down to what you're attracted to. So if this is an experiment and maybe this person could be taking it as an experiment, >> then they're using it as oh can I actually be with this person? >> Yes. >> So I think that's why um viewers would say it's a red flag but it's not a red flag to have a usual type that is looks that's okay. >> I actually agree with you. I do think if actually as I'm saying it and on reflection as I'm thinking I think it is quite rude to tell somebody you're not my usual type because it's almost I don't know it feels quite arrogant to me if someone said to me like you're not my usual type but like I'm glad that I chose you. I think I would feel a bit like it made me insecure. >> Yeah, of course. >> And in the episode you'll see I became a shell of myself and I struggled to watch myself because my face says it all. If I >> Your face did say it all in that. I'm like that as well. Yeah, my face did say it all. >> Yeah. And I was watching I thought, "Oh my god, I went from being this happy go Larry to a complete shell of myself in one day." And >> it brought out a lot of insecurities that I've had growing up and through dating, etc. And so what I would say is it's not a red flag to have a usual type which is based on physical looks. Definitely not. Just in my situation where someone's proposed to you and then they say it to you multiple times afterwards, >> it doesn't sit well. >> Yeah, I agree. So you went on this honeymoon with him, >> correct? >> You then got married. Then we lived together for about a month. Okay. And then >> everything was fine roughly. >> Yeah. So you're getting to know each other. Everything's fine. There was a few sort of moments where I was thinking, hm, is he the same on camera when they're with us and the same off camera? And you have to figure that out. >> Normal though. I think when you're dating someone in the beginning, you're going to learn lots of things about >> otherwise foundation wise, we were pretty plain sailing. We were having a great time. And there was nothing that was enough for me to be like, "This is not right for me. I do not see myself having this as my life partner to then say no. It was I can see this. I can build a future this person because every relationship takes work. >> None of us can walk into something and be like this is it. Perfect. Perfect. We know there's going to be >> there's going to be things you have to work on, but is it enough to say yes to that person and I was defining the boat where it was enough to say yes. I really want to talk about that transition actually because when I was watching the show and you said at the start of this podcast, you didn't really tell your parents that you're applying for it and you didn't tell them the extent of it, right? And in the show you call your mom and you tell her you're getting married and obviously like any mother would be >> she's a little bit surprised and she's worried and she's kind of like are you making the right decision here? Because look for any parent and I'm just saying this like any parent let alone an Indian parent to say you're getting married in 6 weeks is a shock. Like if my kid told me they're going to marry in 6 weeks, I think I would have a heart attack. I think I would be so nervous and worried. >> You're worried what? Why? Why is there rush? What's the pressure? Are you okay? >> Yeah. And I think what was interesting watching it was Cal's family were very for it straight away. >> But what was interesting was I thought was a lack of self-awareness from him when he was like, "Why are your parents not on board with it? Like it's kind of weird. It's not weird actually at all." Like I I didn't think it was strange. So that was something I found really interesting. But what I really wanted to understand is you said in the episode something that I think a lot of people struggle with. How do I stand up to my mom? >> Yeah. >> Right now a lot of people watching the episode are probably like I don't get it. She's 30 years old. What do you mean she can't stand up to her mom? And people say that to me all the time as well. Right. There's been many occasions I think in life where I have been a bit scared to maybe stand up to my parents or say something. And people always bring age into it. They always bring in independence into it. like you're already living out, you know, you've got your own life. You're 30 years old and you're not going to be able to say anything. >> How did you have the courage to have that conversation with your mom to tell her, "I know what's right and you have to believe in me." Cuz that's what you kept saying like, "You have to trust me. You have to believe in me." And you could visibly see, by the way, when you was talking to your mom that you were getting quite emotional, like it was quite difficult for you. So, talk me through that. Growing up, did you ever stand up to your mom and when did you kind of transition? And then how did you actually have that conversation with her? >> So growing up, I being the eldest, I've always been seen a little bit more than just it's not really been a parent child relationship. It's always kind of been I've always made the right decisions. I've always been respectful. I've never done anything crazy off the path. You know, there sort of that set path we all have. >> Yeah. >> So I've never had them ever challenge me. I've never had them say, "Oh, we don't agree with your actions or we don't agree with what your decisions are." Right? >> This was the first time in my 29 years of living where my mom was questioning me. And that was new for our relationship because I was thinking, but you've always trusted me. You've never not trusted me. You know, I'm I am intelligent. I make good decisions. And even if sometimes you make the wrong decision here and there, I've always been open about it. So I thought if I'm really standing by what I'm doing because I have thought about everything. I would never just go into anything because I got caught up in the emotions. I've got caught up because this is an experiment. Oh my god, this is a whole new lease of life. I'm not like that. I do not get head over heels very easily at all. >> For me to have got to where I was at that point. I had thought about everything. >> So that was a shock. And I think for her it was more of a shock that oh my god, why isn't SOA communicating with me? >> But it was just the time constraint and the pressure of that. And I just realized because I stand by my relationship. I stand by him as a person and what we what we want to do going forward. I won't allow anybody to stop that. But I respect my mom. I have so much love and respect for her, which is why it was emotional to do that because I did want to stand on my own two feet and I wanted her by my side because there was no reason for her not to be. >> Yes. >> So she had to come from the perspective of as a parent, I do have questions. I need to do this. And this is why I didn't stop her because if I stopped her, that's disrespectful. If I said, "Mom, you can't ask these questions. We're doing this. You either stand by us or not. That's not me as a character. That's not how I've been brought up." And I think that would been disrespectful because there's a bit of a representation going on as the eldest daughter. And you still have to lead with respect. And I didn't want to put out the message that put your happiness first, go for it, and it doesn't matter what the collateral damage is in your life. Definitely not. It does matter. And you do it respectfully, and your parents are on board, great. And if they're not, that's you're going to do a path on your own. You stand true to that and but in a respectful way. >> Well, I love that because what you've done is allow everyone to voice their concerns instead of building up and shutting them off. >> It's open communication. That's how we should all live with our parents and >> family and friends. It's because that's how you grow through things together. Sometimes you grow apart because of situations, but I see as growing together. >> I agree. And I think the problem now with society is we're very much like if you don't understand me, I'm cutting you out. >> Yes. If you don't get it, then you don't get it. And I have to protect my peace and I have to do what's right for me. And I don't actually agree with that. I think it's important to be able to have difficult conversations and sometimes conflict and sometimes challenging conversations. But what you said there is really interesting to me and I think very very very important. Sometimes when we're going through a difficult relationship with our parents or our in-laws or our family members or whoever it is, sometimes situations are new to you. >> Yes. >> And they're new to them. Right. So in this scenario, it was very new for you to challenge your mom. Correct. >> And also for her to challenge and question you and so you're both navigating a very very difficult change. And the only way to resolve it is to have this very very difficult communication. Correct. >> And for you guys to talk it out. >> And that's exactly and that's what I had to stand by because I feel like there's so many women out there when it comes to let's say just sort of dating in general like this is there's that fear. Oh, if I speak up because I want to do this because I'm really happy. And at that point, I was so happy and in love. And I thought, how could I walk away from this because of because of what my mom's opinion was? I couldn't do that. And I knew I couldn't do that because for me, I went on this put myself first to see can I can this work? And I had fallen in love. So, and that was strong enough for me to to do that. But it's just these conversations, it's like in some households, we're not allowed to have them. And it's just I just wanted to make it known that it's okay to have these conversations. They are difficult. There will be tears. There will be heightened emotions, but have them because we're all doing life for the first time. Yes. >> Parents don't have a rule book or anything. What they're following is >> the generation before them. And a generation before them is not how we we're living now. So, it's like they're trying to bring over these traditions. We're trying to respect it, but we all have to move together. And how do you do that? You have to talk it through. I love this so much because if we go back to the start of this conversation where I said to you what was the process the process was reflection. >> Yeah. >> The second process was taking action cutting those people out of your life and then there was self-belief. >> When you have self-belief it fuels you to do other actions like this action which is standing up to your mom and knowing exactly what you want. Not what your mom wants, not what the TV cast want, not what Netflix want, what you wanted. And because you were able to make that decision, you were sure of it. And I absolutely love that because I think so often we ask people, you know, what was your transition? What was your journey? And people just say, I don't know, I just had this strength within me. But they don't realize that there's so many steps that you have to do along the way. And once you take one action where you're believing in yourself and you take that tiny little risk, for example, with you when you cut people out, >> it fuels you to take more and more and more actions that align to you. >> Correct. One thing you said in the episode that I love is what you signed up for is not what your parents signed up for. >> And you know why I love this so much is because I think that when you get into a relationship with someone, >> you have like 6 months of experience with them, right? And then you say I love them or a year or however long it takes you to say that. You then introduce them to your parents and what we expect is our parents to love them after one meeting. We forget the 6 months or a year or two years that we've loved that person. We've seen them through difficult times. We've seen them on their stressful days. We've seen how they look after us. We've seen how they act with us. They we see how respectful they can be. But from the one meeting with our parents that they have, we just expect our parents to feel the exact same way. >> True. And this is why lots of people find it very difficult to have a good relationship with their in-laws or a good relationship with their extended families is because we're expecting our parents to love that person after a minimal amount of time with them. >> And it's really really challenging. And I really love that you said that in the episode because you know just how pal was questioning you. I think there would have been people at home questioning you to be like oh my mom's not supportive but your mom was supportive. She just didn't have the same experience that you had. And I think that selfawareness that you had in that episode was so powerful to be like, "My mom hasn't had the same experience of you, Cal. She hasn't been in this pod talking to you this whole time." And I really do think that we need to remember that when we're building a relationship with someone else. >> That's so true. >> And bonding with our extended family is we haven't had the same relationship with them. >> Yeah. >> So, we can't expect that same love for them. >> We have to allow it to grow over time. >> 100%. And I think this is why a lot of people struggle in Indian families especially. If you're not allowed to spend a lot of time with your in-laws, right, before you get married, >> how on earth are you meant to live with them when you get married if you don't have a good relationship with them? >> It's true. >> How on earth are you meant to have a very good bond with them? They don't even know you. >> Cuz the expectation is you would just mold to what the expectation of them is of you. >> But how do you know what that is? If you haven't spent enough time, it works both ways. If I haven't spent enough time with my in-laws, right, and I'm expected to live with them the second I get married, >> how on earth are my men to know the way they like things? >> You don't. They will tell it's almost like you're gonna be told by them they the way they live you're almost silenced and you become a shell of yourself because you're trying to figure out what do they want from me not >> a mutual respect there not oh my god this is me like this is what I bring to the table this is my personality and all of this no you become a shell and that's why those relationships happen the way they do sometimes >> I think you need to date the partner you're with and I think you need to date their in-laws if you're going to be in a family where you're expected to have a very very close relationship with them some families don't have a close relationship with their in-laws because their child doesn't have a good relationship with >> sometimes it's that fear though because they almost don't want to have you around as much until it's official that you know your husband and wife because they think sometimes well the relationship might not work out and then there's that judgment from others if you're going to events or let's say you're going to someone's birthday and the fiance is there or the girlfriend's there and they think well you know in 2 months time they might not be there they think oh someone's going to judge us for that but what's the fear here are we meant to not date are we meant to not be with people. >> So that fear stems from generations. That fear, we need to drop that fear because that's the only way we build stronger relationships, wholesome relationships, relationships that will have more longevity and chance for longevity. >> But that judgment there needs to it needs to go because some relationships might not last and we can't predict that. So why do we feel like just because it's husband and wife that that's an acceptance now? now we'll form a relationship with you because as much as I truly still believe in marriage and truly do believe in love, we don't know what's going to happen in the future. >> Yeah. You know what's really interesting that you just said is that there's a lot of judgment on people who break off their relationships. So, kind of going back to the story, you obviously got married and then 3 months later or 91 days later, Cal calls you and tells you it's off randomly out of the blue. >> Yes. Yeah. So, we sat together and he just Yeah. Out of the blue, he just tells me it's over. Do you think now people will judge you for that? >> I guess being 30, a divorcee, restarting life, there will be judgment. Naturally, there's going to be judgment. We've been brought up in a society that judges when things aren't perfect. However, what I know is and what I've learned about myself is >> that judgment doesn't matter anymore. That judgment won't affect me anymore. It won't affect my mental health. It won't affect my heart. It won't affect my decisions because I am me. I'm good enough and I'm whole because of it. because of what happened to me has not tainted me as a person. If anything, I've got strengths out of it. I've got lessons I've learned out out of it and I will go forward with that. And there's so many women who have come through to me in messages and um on DMs on Instagram who've said like, I've gone through a divorce. I've gone through this. I'm now happily married. I've got three kids. Some have their family standing by them. Some don't have their family standing by them. But there's still love after that. And I know there is my journey. Just because it that chapter ended with him and it ended on the show, it doesn't mean it hasn't ended my whole life. My whole life is about to start. >> I love that. >> And the judgment can stay where it is. It doesn't matter anymore. I don't >> judge you online literally for choosing a burger over a salad at lunch. Do you know what I mean? >> My hair got judged, my teeth got judged, my eyebrows. >> People judge you for everything. It's so ridiculous. Now we've come into this culture where people feel like they can say anything and everything about you and because you're online you just have to take it. I think it's ridiculous platform. Yes. >> I want to talk about actually what you said on the show. You said love isn't about culture, background or race. Love has no boundaries. Correct. >> Do you still believe that given the fact that your relationship with K ended? >> 100%. for me to have dropped everything and that goes from background, culture, religion, cast, financial status, what their siblings do, if it's a deep like good family background to drop all that for the first time in my life and I fell in love for the first time. That proves it to me 100%. It proves it to me. Just because my relationship with him didn't work out, it doesn't matter because it just means I fell in love with the wrong person. Yes. >> So the minute I fall in love with the right person, I will carry on dating the way I did openly with an open heart and an open mind >> because where is it written anywhere that your soulmate is based on what you've been bought up into, what you've been born into? I don't I've never seen that anywhere. >> I get it back in the day. Now I I always go back to the village life and I and that's how I always have because you know we had our villages and everybody in those villages knew of each other and you know when you would get married of course you're going to end up with someone from up until the same cast because that's your environment nowadays if I literally look at where I live >> multiple religions multiple everything cast money financial status size of houses everything so how can I use that mentality and try to say well this is who I'm going to find now because the pool won't even go outside my own door. >> Yeah. >> So, it's just not going to happen. And I get the respect. I get some people say to me, it would be easier to marry someone from the same culture. Who is it easier for? It's easier for the families. Yes. It's easier for the grandparents probably because of language barriers and what you know how you're going to be and what event you attend together. And might be easier for the kids growing up cuz they have a certain identity, right? >> But this is where life life progresses. life changes. We're doing life where we can build it ourselves >> and it's all through open communication. And that's one thing this whole experiment taught me to talk more. I do talk a lot, but talk more with intent and talk more with progression. >> I absolutely love what you just said. Who is it easier for? >> Yeah, >> it's really interesting actually. I want to talk to you about two things there. One is I think the reason why a lot of people try and marry people within their culture or in their communities, this is what I've heard, is because there's a lot more responsibility. >> If you were dating somebody that was the same kind of religion or the in the same community as you, if they did that to you, they just one day called you up, your parents could call their parents and be like, "What's going on here?" And they would feel a little bit of a shame, a little bit of embarrassment, right? But I guess the question is, is that really a reason to date someone or to marry someone just because they would feel shame or embarrassment and they would stay with you out of that reason? No. >> No. >> Right. We're kind of taught that and it's it's interesting cuz like I'm Gujarati and Nicl my husband now he's Hindu Punjabi. Okay. >> So we are totally different in terms of like we're both Hindu but we speak different languages and we do have a lot of different traditions. Now during our wedding lots of people have been like oh my god how did you plan it when you have two different cultures and casts? We merge them. That is literally the simple answer. His family were not particular about things have to be done in this way. >> My family were not particular about things have to be done in this way. And so we were both open and very flexible. And an example of that is like at the wedding >> they did a mil. We don't do a mil. So we did one. >> Oh okay. Yes. >> The Hindi wedding both parents sit in the mundap from the Punjabi side. In the Gujarati way only my parents sit in the mundap. So what what would my parents say? Oh you can't sit in the mund. No of course both parents sat in the mundap. And I think it's so important to be with people who are good, understanding people. Yes. >> Doesn't matter what religion or cast or whatever you're in. If you both have an understanding about compromise, if you both are compassionate, if you both have empathy, if you both have an understanding of each cultures, it will work. It's about the characteristics you hold, not the cast or community you're from. >> That's what I was about to say. >> So important to remember that. And I think that's the thing when people are probably watching the show. I'm sure there's people who are going to be like, "Told you so. You should have married someone that was like in your community and this would never have happened." >> I've had comments. I've seen them. Someone said, "Oh, she's going to go back to a Punjabi guy like tomorrow now." And it's like, but that's not what I'm trying to say. >> They're missing the point. They're missing the whole >> You fell in love. >> Yes. >> It didn't work out. We're not we're not disputing that. But the fact of the matter is, you said at the start of this podcast, you've never actually been in love before. >> Correct. I don't think I have. >> And you fell in love. And that is the point of this. Yes. And what was the guarantee if he was a seat Punjabi guy? What was the guarantee it was going to work out? Imagine if he if it was about the like you said it's the character of the person cuz if he was and he had the same personality and character he was still going to walk away and leave me >> 100%. >> So then I would love to have known what everybody would have said then >> but if he was actually somebody who was maybe from your community maybe because all the family pressure he'd have stayed with you right if it was somebody that was from Do you see what I'm trying to say? >> I see what you're trying to say. And if he did stay with me because let's say he will seek Punjabi and he didn't want the embarrassment from everybody else so he just stayed with me. He would not have been happy. Neither would you. >> No. It would have reflected our relationship. I would have been happy and eventually we would have been coexisting. And there are marriages out there where >> and I've seen in my relatives. They coexist. And I'm like I don't want that anymore. I thought I did because you know they live in lovely homes. They're financially protected. They don't have to worry. Kids go to good schools. But is that what love is about? People have different love. I have realized from doing this podcast as well >> and from also life is everyone has a different definition of love. Some people they can live separately and say we love each other because they're comfortable with all the other things that they have in life. And that for them is love. Yeah. >> Right. When I look at their relationship, I think I'd rather be divorced and be living in the other side of the world and never see that person ever again in my whole life because that for me would feel so depressing to be in a relationship with someone like that. for them that's its and you know we live in a culture now where you have to accept everything so do you you know do whatever is right for you >> and this is why I will never again talk about anybody else's relationship I would never give a judgment on a relationship I'll never give a judgment on a situation when it comes to the matters of the heart anymore and don't get me wrong growing up all I was involved in those circles was about talking so I've had to learn that as well so now I've because I grew up very conservatively um sort of in my own sort of mindset about dating marriages, etc. Quite a conservative point of view. Now, it's opened my mind up to be like, let people be. Let relationships be. Be there for advice. Be their pillar of strength. Be there when they need you. But you don't need to input your views on that relationship because every marriage, every relationship is going to be so different. Like you said, people will be content in certain ways just because that's what they want. And that's okay as well. One thing you said in the show that I think really relates to this is you felt like you're in a pressure cooker when you had a lot of pressure from your mom, when you're getting pressure from Cal, when you probably had pressures of your own mind. There's a lot of people right now who are in that same position. They are feeling so overwhelmed. They're feeling so stressed because their parents are telling them a different thing, their partner is telling them a different thing, and they themselves are so confused. They don't even know what they're saying to themselves. What advice would you give to someone who's got a conflict between what their family want and what their partner wants? >> I would say to them, number one, what do you want? Figure out what you want first. I think it's a really good way to write things down. Write down what you want because from that when you know, then you're going to open up those lines of communication with the family to be able to put your point across in a way because you want to hear them. You want to understand why they're worried, but you also need them to hear you as well. Because when I did that and I had the strength and courage to do that and you can see it is going to it's hard. It is very hard but believe in yourself because you have a stronger strength in you that sometimes you don't even realize and people will support you. Family will support you and if they don't it's okay as well because you will be able to get through it without their support sometimes and sometimes later on they will come around once they see you thriving. But just believe in yourself. >> I love that. I mean I think the biggest blocker that people have are expectations. How did you learn the 29 years of your life, you've learned one thing, you know, you must be follow how do you suddenly just like drop that and think actually you know what I'm not going to listen to anyone in their expectations anymore? >> It's when you become a shell of yourself when you realize I don't think I'm happy and you're looking around you and you think but you've got everything you would want and anything somebody else will look from the outside and think well you do this you do that why aren't they happy? It's that moment you realize what needs to change and that change is >> you want true happiness. Everybody deserves to be happy in life because that's one question people don't actually ask you when you go into a certain career when you do a certain degree when you're anything. Do they ever ask but are you happy? >> They just want to see the outcome. They want to see the the product on the outside and the product on the outside the sa that was standing there that everybody saw people like wow they're proud of her. they're all this and like you know that's how I carried myself but deep down I knew something had to change because how long can I go on living like this and it's when it hits your mental health and for me it got to the point where I knew I need to put myself first cuz if I don't I don't know what path would be next for me and I didn't didn't want to go down that route. >> There's two things that you said there that are screaming out to me. One is you almost hit rock bottom which what a lot of my guests tell me on the show like there was a point where I was just sick of it like I was sick of myself so I had to make a change or I was just done living this life so I had to make a change. In your case this is very much you know I was so unhappy and I just had to do something about it. >> The second thing though is trusting your gut. >> Your Yes. >> Have you always had a strong gut instinct? Weirdly, I've suppressed it a lot because I never would allow myself to listen to my own gut. >> How do you listen to your gut? >> By you really have to drop a lot of people around you to get to that point. Honestly, your circle has to change. You need to make sure you've got people around you that are rooting for you, have your best interest at heart, and want you to succeed. And sometimes that means just you being happy. I've realized that >> the moment I dropped everyone around me, I had the chance to listen to my gut. And it took years and now when I listen to it it's it's amazing because I'm like oh like I enjoy what I do. I enjoy doing things. I enjoy everything in a different way of enjoyment now. >> Did you do that by always asking people what their opinions were? >> I allowed myself to hear opinions without even asking. >> Wow. So people would just commentate on your life in general. >> Yeah. That's so interesting because I think a lot of people really do struggle with that and I all my answer is always go and sit in solitude >> and it's hard to do that. >> It's hard. >> But actually a way that I found it and I've talked about this a million times. People are probably sick of me saying this, but I therapize myself. Like I literally go for a walk and I have to put headphones in cuz people think I'm a bit crazy in the street, but I talk to myself and that's actually how I spend time in solitude cuz you know different things work for different people. Some people can meditate for hours on end. I cannot stop talking, which is why I have this podcast, which is why that that technique works really really well for me. But I think there's so much power in sitting with yourself and really listening to yourself cuz I truly believe that we all know the answers. We have the answers for all of our friends, don't we? My friend calls me and tells me a problem, I'm there problem solving for you. >> Cuz it's easier to do it that way than to do it for yourself because to do it for yourself, it's uncomfortable when you haven't done it before. And I've actually tried that and I had to do that once and I remember I shut my door. I had some music playing on um it was spiritual music cuz that's the only way I can ground myself sometimes. >> And I just cried and I thought whoa. And the emotions that came out of me I thought oh okay like I really need to I need to focus on myself for a bit cuz I didn't realize how much I was going through as well. And even from the healing from my relationship ending how much I'm going through I've really had to sit with myself. One thing that I really love that you've said throughout this whole episode is being able to stand up for yourself, but also being really respectful at the same time. And I think both of those things can be true. Even though I would say that you're you're a lot softer than me. You're like so sweetly spoken. I can definitely come across as quite sassy sometimes. And because I'm so expressive, I use my hands a lot. And so at times if I'm expressing how I feel, it can come across I guess as disrespectful, right? And and and not that I mean to, but I guess advice from me to you, well from you to me actually. What advice would you have for someone who feels trapped between honoring their culture and standing up for themselves? And how do they do it respectfully? >> Firstly, honoring your culture at what personal expense does it come to you? >> That's the first thing. You can honor your culture. You can respect it. But if it is a detriment to your own being and your own mental health and your own way of living, that's that's when it's gone wrong. >> Yeah. >> Because even when we follow certain religions and things like that, if you lose yourself in that >> and you're not peaceful, it's not benefiting you the way it's supposed to do. So that that's one thing you'd have to do. It's just the way you open your lines of communication. That's all it is. Think about why you're doing what you're doing. What's the reason for it? And if you stand by it, then it's okay. Because what did I do? I put I I openly dated. I put my heart in a way where it was an open mind, an open heart. Did I do something wrong by doing that? Because what it was was it did go against my culture in a certain way. >> But I don't regret it. >> And that's not me disrespecting my culture. That's me having to put myself first. So it's a fine line, but it's at what expense it is to you. So I could have >> not done this. could have gone with the arranged marriage with an Indian Punjabi guy, a seat guy. Um, but then would what would I have done? I've put my whole entire human being second. >> We have one life. When we're born, who are we born for? We're born for ourselves to live. We're not born for our parents to be a product of what they expect from us or what our grandparents expect from us or what the community expects from us. >> No, you are your own person and you have a way to live and you can live openly, freely and find your way. What do you enjoy? What parts of your culture do you enjoy? What parts of your religion do you enjoy? And that's okay. That's okay to be because there's no set rules. The set rules need to go because >> how many of those people who follow those set rules can tick everything in their communities and say they're really happy. >> But do you ever have a conflict of things like cuz you've been brought up in a certain way? I definitely had this. You know, like I said, when I was 30, I had a bloody meltdown. But I've been doing my podcast for 2 or 3 years. By then, I can't really remember. So, I knew all of these things like I shouldn't have these expectations. I don't want to put this pressure on myself. LA. But obviously, for 26 years of my life, I did have these expectations. So, I was in a bit of a conflict. >> What about things like, you know, we've talked about people pushing back on people who date before they get married. >> You were obviously intimate in the show and you can see that, you know, on the show. >> How do you deal with that? Cuz I'm sure you've said you come from a traditional background, you know. >> Is that difficult for you now to watch or do you feel I don't know. Do you have any feelings towards it? >> I don't because it was a chapter of my life where I was in a relationship and I was in love and that's okay. >> Yeah. >> Because in that's the thing which people will look at and be like it was maybe wrong to do. Oh, you should never have kissed him. Oh, because your family going to see, >> right? >> But how can you say being in a relationship is wrong? It's not because if you want us to have if you want your children truly to be in happy successful marriages, unfortunately, uncomfortably, you're going to have to let them date. Come on. I have little sisters. It's still hard watching them with their own partners. And I I do struggle. But >> how can I ever stop that? >> It's so true. >> Cuz if I stop that, they'll sit at home be like, "Right, it's over. Well, what we doing today? >> Make me happy." I can't be your partner. So, it is uncomfortable. It's not what we're used to. It's because of what the generations before how marriages were for them. If things were different for them, imagine if back in the day you were okay, you're told at 14, this is who you're marrying from, you know, that house over there and that son, they've decided, but you're allowed to date that person up until that point. So at 14 to 16, you can date them, you know, but at 16, you then marry them. >> It would be so interesting to see how many would stay together and say, "Yeah, I'm ready to marry this person." How many would be crying to their family saying, "I can't be with that person." >> Because you need to know someone. Yes. Okay. Mine was short and a lot of people say, "Well, you barely knew him. It was only a few months in total." I get that. But then that's a lesson I've learned. I tried something, realized. And now going forward, I would give it more time. I would ask certain questions, >> but you have to allow us to live experiences. Life is a lot of experiences that build up to where you are today. >> Yeah. >> And you have to learn. You reflect. So, you have to give your kids that opportunity. It's hard. >> It's not normal. You It's not normal from what you're used to, but you have to allow it. >> I made sure I kissed Nickel on our wedding day. I didn't ask my parents. I didn't say, "Do you think I should do it or should I not?" None of my cousins did that. They all kissed on the cheek. >> I made sure I kissed him on the lips. Do you know why? Cuz the next day after we got married, everyone says, "You better go along and start having kids now." >> So, you think it's too You think it's disrespectful for me to kiss him on our wedding day? Cuz I'm I'm sure if I asked them or if I asked anyone in general, do you think I should kiss on the wedding? They'll be like, don't do that. It's a bit disrespectful. But then you expect me to have kids the next day. How do you think that's going to happen? It's so ridiculous to me that people will say, don't kiss on the wedding day because it's a bit too intimate. And I always kiss Nickel in front of my parents as well when I'm saying bye to him when I see him because we need to normalize it. >> We need to normalize it. >> My parents normalized it. My parents kissed loads of times growing up. They hold hands to this day. >> And I've never felt weirded out or uncomfortable by it. and they don't feel weirded out or uncomfortable by it for me because we're in a relationship and that's what you do when you're in love. >> The funny thing is I had the opposite. I used to get weirded out by my parents really. >> I was so weirded out. I used to get so uncomfortable and now learning through them cuz they were in love before the divorce. They did fall in love. They grew to love like grow to love each other. Grow to love each other. They grew to love each other. Yeah. >> Um but yes, then I had to learn it's okay to hold hands in public. It's okay to kiss. When I fell in love properly, I felt comfortable doing that. In the past, when I've been dating, I've actually not been comfortable to hold hands in public, which was so interesting. So, I thought my love language was something completely different. >> With Cal, I started to say to him, I think my love language has changed. I like to hold hands. >> You allowed yourself to >> That is fascinating. Actually, when you kind of like got rid of that barrier, you actually figured out what your real love language was. That's mad. >> I'm telling you, I learned so much about myself. That was so needed. >> I love that. I feel like this show was so important for you to just let go of the old you and for you to be feel free. >> Yeah. >> And I love that for you. >> My last question, which I think is a really, really important question. If your younger self could hear you right now, the girl before the show, >> what's the message that you would tell her around self-belief and selfrust? I would say don't be scared because sometimes through fear you find out who you really are and you'll find true happiness and true love. So >> So just step out. You can do it. >> You can and you have. >> Yeah. >> I've honestly loved this conversation with you. I'm so glad that we connected and I'm so grateful that you came on. So thank you so much. >> Thank you. Thank you for having me. >> Thank you.