I know I'm your baby. So come give me love. You know you're my baby. So come give me love. I never f something quite like this. I get high every time we kiss. Get enough, baby. Come get me. >> Surprise. I know, right? It's a surprise. And he didn't even know we was coming, but he came real quick. We always say real quick, but it don't necessarily be real quick. Babe, why you ain't saying nothing? >> Cuz I was so funny. >> Cuz I'm like, it's 9:00 at night. I am going I am going to be so interested and see how many people log on at night. They coming in. They had they had the kids is in the bed. >> So they don't had nothing but time. >> Kids is in the bed. They like good. We about to jump into it. Listen, it ain't going to be long, but it's gonna be live. But they in here. >> That is so good. >> So the other day, Friday, I posted a post on social media. It said men need sex and women need security. >> This is based on a talk that my wife do at um in our marriage talks about emotional needs that men have and women have. And again, if you watching on Instagram, you can watch, but we look weird on there. Go to YouTube so you can see it. Okay? And we talked about men need sex, women need security. And I said, "Before you argue, you know, hear me out." And got a lot of response. >> Yeah. >> Mostly no arguments from men. >> No, of course. >> And uh in the same path though, this um lady respectfully sent a inbox to my wife and I >> with some really provocative perspective. >> Yeah. >> That I thought was warranted to jump on and give a response. Uh, also there's a video that I got sent at least five times that later on in this. I'm going to also respond my thoughts about that. So, tonight we're just going to talk about what we've been talking about. But my wife's going to not read the entire letter that the lady sent, but she's going to read some of the clips and then we're going to try to >> share some perspective about sex and security and and what what you think about it, right? Um because the post you can go see it. It it was it was good. >> Yeah, it was good. But and and I just want if if she I'm I'm gonna send this to her, but in case Thank you so much for that inbox and it was not it was not argumentative at all. We didn't look at it that way and I appreciate you inboxing so that we could really give a good good answer for it and it it caused great discussion. We had a great disc we had such a great discussion that instead of just responding to her, we was like, "Oh man, other might think this too." Right? that's answered, right? So, >> okay. So, a woman sent us a thoughtful response to the post that we made on Friday. And what I appreciate was that she wasn't argumentative at all, was very sober. She was very vulnerable in um her inbox. And she explained that some of her resistance um comes from her own u marriage experience, her own experience with relationships. And she's genuinely trying to understand this differently. >> The post, she's just trying to understand it differently based upon what she has experienced. Right? Okay. So, if we were taught, this is from her. If we were taught that sex is reserved exclusively for marriage, how does sex then become described as a need for a man? >> It's so good. If sex is a need, what is a single Christian man supposed to do with that need? >> Good question. >> I can chime in and answer too. You know, you know how the chat like to go. You know what I'm saying? >> I'm already like, excuse me getting ready. Okay. >> Okay. So, >> well, I'm gonna I'm not going to answer while she's reading what she asks. >> I'm almost done. >> Wait till she finishes. >> Okay. So when we tell men you need sex, >> I wonder if some men begin to understand sex from their wives almost like something they are entitled to receive. >> Is there a healthier and more accurate way to describe the importance of sexual intimacy to men without calling it a need? First, thank you, of course, for trusting us with that. And I think that there's a that's a fair question. And when you hear someone's whole story, you'll sometimes understand why a statement lands differently with them. So before I jump in, um can you address like a woman's perspective of how a woman might hear that a man like what's a woman's perspective on how a woman might hear how a man needs sex? >> That I have to just give it to him regardless if I want to or not. regardless. Um, if I'm tired, if I'm on my, you know, if I'm on my cycle, if uh I just had a baby and I'm only at five weeks and the doctor said, "Wait six weeks." And he's like, "You know, hurry up and come on. Let's get over that." Um, not taking any account for the woman and whatever she has to do, >> right, >> to get to that point that she feels desirable and that she even desires him. So that's what I hear from women. Let me say it that way. >> And so you hear her saying that when you say a man needs sex in inside of a marriage, he's like saying she's she got to give it to him. >> Yeah. I think that's when I read it, uh, I I was I I felt um I I felt bad in a sense cuz I I I was just like I don't want any woman to feel like a man can coersse her, her husband. How do we get all the way to cohorse though from a man needs sex? >> Cuz I just think I think that women think that men is not a need. They just >> they just they just trying to just >> they not a man. How they know? >> I understand they're not a man. I understand it. >> How can a woman sometimes look at men like >> they're men like they're just women? But how can a woman say what a man need if she's not a man? That's why I asked you first, help me understand from a woman's perspective. Let's get into it. Does a man really need sex? Right? >> So, so men have a powerful sex drive. All right? And of course, this isn't categorically denying that women do too, right? Okay. biology uh we are same but different in our roles or in our expression. So uh just because you have a sex drive though I agree a drive is not a demand right? So you can have a high sex drive, tolerance, want, desire, but that doesn't give you the desire doesn't give you a demand. It's not entitlement, right? It's >> it's not uh um you must or you have to. You hope that you marry somebody that has that has that equal compatibility. You hope that you marry somebody that desires and wants you the way you want. And I want you to want me, too. Right. Marin Marvin. >> And so, uh, marriage isn't permission to abandon your personal self-control that you have a responsibility over your body. So, >> and mutual respect >> and mutual respect because at the same time, your body then is not your own. Your body is my body. My body is your body. My locks, my beard is because it's your preference. It's not my preference. When you met me, I didn't have locks. I didn't have no beard. That wasn't what I wanted. this is what you want. So, I did something for you that you desired that wasn't necessarily what I desired because it was what you wanted. You didn't demand it. But every time I say, "Oh, should I cut my hair?" Cut it for what? What it going to cut to? Cut my beard down. All this stuff. That becomes your preference when you go get your hair done to the various versions. It's not necessarily because it's what you initially desire. you want to be desired. >> You have a conversation with my stylist all by yourself. >> So in so in marriage, don't tell my business. So in marriage, we make adjustments and accommodations for each other to meet the other person's need and desires, right? >> And so if you get married, that's what you hope. So I'm going answer this quickly as I can. Number one, we need to first define according to what she said the word need. Okay? So when you talk about need, we don't want to argue. Yes, need is a strong word. It's a strong statement. Yeah. >> Need because you was telling me you was like I got to look up the word need, right? So she argued like you need air, you need water, right? >> And so something that is biologically necessary for a person's immediately immediate survival is what we say a need. Air, God, you know, water etc. Right? And so in that food and so in that regards no sex is not a need like that like oxygen or like water or like food or like sleep those things you need can't do can't live without. So a celate a celibate person doesn't die from the lack of sex, right? They might feel like they dying >> at least for a season, right? Because whatever you feed gets stronger, whatever you starve gets weaker. I practice celibacy before getting married for a total of seven years after having an active sex life before. So I understand that you feel like you dying but then you don't feel like you're dying because you stop thinking about it and you suppress it and you figure out that part. Exactly. So a celibate person doesn't die from sexual intercourse. Uh so then need has to be more categorically right. So when you distinguish needs you talk about survival needs you talk about oxygen oxygen water food. Then you talk about psychological needs or relational needs. This is belonging and attachment and I need you to love to me in a certain kind of way. I need you to speak to me in a certain tone. I need you to touch me in a certain way. Then you got sexual and relational needs or desires or drives. This is uh erotic connection because there's different expressions of love. So you have all these types of needs that not like I'm going to die if you don't give it to me, but that don't mean I don't need it. Just because you might not need it the way I need it >> doesn't mean that I don't need it. >> That's right. So you can't say somebody else doesn't need something that you actually say you need and don't diminish my need because it's not what you need. >> Not what you need. Exactly. >> Right. Which is >> so then when we get married then we have these covenant we have responsibilities >> uh in your own individuality. You can do what you want to do whatever you don't want to do. In marriage, you have these covenant responsibilities um where you have to care for and respond for what the other person needs or what they say they need, right? Uh I need you to make up your bed. I need you to put your shoes up. I need you to, you know, I'm saying I need you to wash. I need you to cook me some food. You know, you can cook yourself, but in your marriage relationship, you need to have a safe space to express what you need. These are my needs, and I don't want >> to need it and have to go look for it somewhere else. Right? >> That's not good. >> And so, and so maybe the part of the problem isn't the principle. Maybe we're using the word need uh to describe several different things, but that does not diminish that you need it. You still can say what you need and express what you need and it can still be a need even if it's not something the other person thinks you need. >> Yeah. >> You know what I'm saying? So, so, so that's my number one. All right. So, when I say men Yeah. So, when I say men need sex, uh, sure, it's a clip, it's social media, it's a sound bite, it's it was meant to give you a sting, but maybe I can just say if I had to say a longer definition, I wrote down many men experience sexual intimacy as a particular significant relational desire and a pathway to connection. So sexual desire is not necessarily survival, but it does desire and create that you want >> what you need >> from your spouse. I need you, girl. I need you. Huh? Am I gonna die without you? I don't think so. But I don't want to know because I need you. Okay. And how can somebody say what you don't need? >> Exactly. Well, yeah. So, so, so drive doesn't mean demand. Everybody put that down in the chat. All right. So, drive doesn't mean demand. All right. >> So, the second thing she said about that is sex drive is real. It is real. But just because you drive, have a sex drive, high sex drive don't mean demand. And this is where the saints, you know, like our cousin, you know, and Cali, this is where it gets tricky because it's like you want to you people say they want to do it God's way, right? Don't have sex before marriage. Before marriage, folks making promises. We going to save ourselves to marriage and then when we get married, we gonna get it in. I'mma let you get it in when we get married. And then we get married >> and then now >> it's cricket. >> Our drive isn't matched. >> And that's fine that our drive ain't matched, but are we gonna match >> exactly? Are we having a conversation? Get that. No, not having a conversation. No. Are we gonna get that drive up? Huh? >> >> I mean because you want Yes. Have a conversation. >> It's a conversation. See how a guy See See how a guy though. He like, "No, we don't get that drive up." She like, "I'll get the drive up." As long as we have talk about it. Okay. I'll talk about it. I'll talk about it. Then we can get the drive. As long as the talk ends in a drive going up, all right? But anyway, drive doesn't mean demand. Respectfully, right? Because in all jokes aside, sex drive is real, but drive doesn't mean demand. Okay? So hunger is a drive, anger is a drive, sexual desire is a drive. But what we don't say is that I can that if I strongly desire something or someone else um if I if I strongly desire something, does someone else have the responsibility to satisfy my drive? >> Right. That desire, >> right? I can strongly desire something. I can strongly desire something. But is it someone else's responsibility to satisfy my drive or first is it my responsibility to manage my drive? >> I think it's I think it's both ways. >> I do think it's both ways because but let's first start because she asked the question from a perspective from a single person, right? So let's be honest on a single person's side. The first thing that any person has is have to have is self-control. dominion. You got to have self-control. Galatians teaches you to have self-control. Thessalonians teaches you self-control. God teaches us self-control. So, Goddesigned desire, a God designed desire still requires God directed discipline. Right? >> So, even though God can give me a desire, he also needs or requires me to have to have discipline. I can't just go do all my desires, >> all that I want to do, when I want to do it, and how I want to do it. >> So even though you have desire, you still have to have discipline. You cannot let desire go over discipline where now my desire is overcompensating or is putting a demand on you for something that I desire. Now it is your responsibility in marriage to want to please to want to please your spouse and give them their heart's desire. Give them what they desire. But the highest form first before you put that or project that on somebody else >> is self-demand. >> You got to have self-discipline. Right. So babies come like you said earlier. What you going to do with that desire when your wife is nine months pregnant? Well, not nine months because you said you should as a doula. You say you should be having sex every now, but that six weeks after >> afterwards, >> that six weeks after your wife just had a baby, >> you got >> and you got a strong desire, you got to have discipline. What you going to do? Break the stitches. You know, you you just you gonna you gonna go against the doctor's wishes. You're gonna >> go against your marriage, >> right? Or against your marriage because you have no discipline for six weeks. Oh, I just got to have desire. No, your wife just had a baby. Let her body make adjustment. Her organs is coming back together. Let her body heal properly. And in that time, what do you do with your sexual desire? You got to have discipline. What happens is sickness, right? >> Or or hormones >> or hormones change, right? >> Menopause. >> Men Jesus. Menopause come and then the pause and then now you got desires and now this person has been fulfilling your desire for all your marriage. Now she comes to a stage or age where she don't got no desire. It ain't >> it ain't juicy like it used to be. It ain't We grown out here. Here's 9:00. Come on, let's get to it. Don't be shocked. Don't play with me. Let's talk. Don't Don't get on this camera and not talk about it like we talked about it. Okay, we talked about it. >> Okay. Now, you can't be in this space where now menstrual cycles, what do you do for in a in a time of a menstrual cycle when you have a high desire. So, it's interesting because a man is always ready, right? So, that's how you know biologically he has a different drive. He doesn't have no pause or no breaks in his >> or no trying to >> producing seed. >> Get it ready. >> Whereas a woman, she has 30 days, she got cycles, she has babies, she got all these things that have breaks in the in the in the >> warmed it up, >> right? So, so is there a different biology that says that a man always is producing seeds, so he's always ready. you always want to have sex where a woman has times and windows and cycles and seasons and all of this stuff. So why would God make us like this? >> I don't know. I be asking him that a lot. >> Maybe because he wanted men to also have selfdisipline. Maybe he he wanted us to have high sex drives, but he also wanted us to have self-control. Sex drive and self-control. So we don't think that we just go do whatever we want to do whenever we want to do it. >> Another man got to tell that to another man. >> No, I'm just saying biology is telling you >> I understand that. But what I'm telling you is I hear you and it makes sense and all of that's great, but I'm telling you if you're saying that a man needs to have discipline. A lot of men are not telling another man he needs to have discipline. A lot of men are telling them to it's it's what it's it's it's it's Burger King. Have it your way. Whatever you want it your way. >> Yes. But the question that the women asked was what does a man do? >> A Christian man. If if sex is a need, what does he do if he's not married? He practices self-discipline. Why? Because he's going to have to use that self-discipline in his marriage. in his marriage. When he goes on a trip for work, when she goes on a trip for work, when there's a menstrual cycle, when there's a baby that just been born, if she gets sick, if he gets sick, if there's hormone, there's going to be opportunities where he's going to have to practice selfdisipline. And if he never had to do it outside of his marriage, he won't be able to do it inside of his marriage because marriage doesn't cure lust. Okay? You said don't say nothing. >> Just pause for a second cuz there's something that you say >> about saying no. >> Learn to say no. >> Come on. >> When you could say yes. >> Why? >> Cuz when you have to say no, >> what >> you can. >> One more time. >> Learn to say no when you should say yes. When you could say yes. Learn to say no when you could say yes. So when you have to say no, you can't. >> Because you got to build a no >> inside of you. >> Inside of you. >> All right. So the existence of the appetite does not establish an entitlement from the other person. So just because you have an appetite don't mean you make a demand from the other person, right? You want the person >> to want >> to want to and I want you to want me to. >> Come on, Marvin Gay, come on up in here. >> You want the other person to want you. You want the other person to want to give you what you want. You want the other person to please you, but you don't want to >> impose and force. And no man in a marriage wants to feel like he's raping or coercing or demanding his wife >> to have sex that she promised to have with him when they got married. >> You going to turn it around >> simply because it's both sides. True. Simply because he has a higher desire than she has. >> Yeah. >> If I If you said yes to the dress, you said yes to the sex. >> That's a good one. You say yes to the dress. You say yes to >> You said yes to it. Don't be out here. You was out here giving it out more than out there than you was in here. Don't play. All right, let's get to it. So then that's what she said about the single man. This a good conversation. Y'all enjoying it? >> Uh they're up in the chat. Yes. >> And I told you there's coming in here 200 >> almost 200. >> Listen. So here. So she said so so that's the that's the attitude for the single man. Okay. So sexual desire does exist before marriage. >> So then marriage is not the source of sexual desire. Actually, unfortunately in church they tell you to get married because of sexual desire. >> It's better to marry. >> Sometimes it's better to burn than to get married to the wrong person. >> Jacking up people's life. >> Exactly. Because you wasn't right. >> You just want to have sex. >> Because you just wanted to have sex. And so, yes, sexual desire does exist before marriage. So, then marriage is not the source for sexual desire. However, God says marriage is the safe space >> for you to explore and experience >> your sexual desire. >> Cuz why that whole you got the >> what? >> What' you say? >> You said it. >> Cuz a fire >> Oh, you ain't want to take my >> I didn't want to take it. Go ahead. Take it. >> No, you go ahead. >> Fire in the fireplace is beautiful. It's warm. It's cozy. It's romantic. Fire in your living room will burn your house down. Same fire. So it's not the fire is where is it burning. You was being silly. So marriage does provide a fireplace >> for the fire >> safe space >> safely. >> Safe place. Marriage provides a biblically sanctioned safe place. Yeah. >> A context for sexual expression and exploration. It gives you a place to say you can have and explore your sexuality safely. And if you're married, that's what you should be doing. >> The fireplace. >> In the fireplace. If you're not >> single, >> you might be burning your house. You burning you burning up the living room and everything up in it, >> right? And so so so that's why we go back to what does the single man do? What does the single man do that needs sex, that wants sex, that has a higher sex drive? He has to control himself. He has to practice self control, right? Because singleness doesn't require abstinence actual absence of sexual desire. Singleness doesn't require absence of sexual desire. It requires the stewardship of sexual desire. She said, she read my book, G-rated Sex, and I said in G-rated Sex, what do you do with your sexuality if you're not in a season to explore it? What do you do with your sexuality if you're not in a season to explore it? I said you steward it, right? If you're not in a season to explore your sexuality, you steward it. You don't kill it. You don't curse it. You don't suppress it. You don't damn it. You don't say, "This take this away, God. No, don't take it away. Just help me to steward >> and control my sexual urges and my sexual desires. Don't let me feed it. Don't let me give into it. Cuz I'm going to need it >> when it come time for that wedding and that marriage. I'm going to need that. a lot of people, a lot of because she was being honest about >> those conditions she grew up in and then when she got married, she wasn't as free in her sexuality. I need you to talk about this because some >> church does a great job of telling you to suppress your sexuality but not steward your sexuality. Well, and then on top of that, when you if you when you're unmarried and you're like abstaining from sex and pushing that down and all that other kind of stuff, and then when you get married, you think that you're you you view sex as something that is bad because it has never in your mind been articulated that it's good. And when it's inside of a marriage, it's good. So then you're making your spouse almost penalized for the the switch that has to happen in your head, the switch that has to happen in your soul. I'm married now. I God said this is good. This is good on this side, but because you've been pressing it down for years and hearing it's bad and it's horrible and you shouldn't and you going to get pregnant and you going to get a STD and all this other kind of stuff. So you live with this kind of on this trauma about sex, but really it was only to be steward. It was only to be looked upon as something that I can just not indulge in right now because it has so many other implications that I cannot deal with as an unmarried person. So when I get married then now that I'm married I'm having I'm having sex with my with my husband with my wife. I don't have to have shame. I don't have to feel bad. I don't have to walk ashame. I don't have to worry about what somebody thinks about me because I'm married to this person. We've seen it. We've seen we've been we've sat in lobbies and watched people have the walk of shame coming down the elevator and coming through the lobby. The walk of shame. You don't have any of that. But when you get married, you have to be able to switch your brain, switch your heart, switch your emotions, switch your spirit to know that this sex is good. Sex is going to cause me to have great relationship, great intimacy. I'm becoming one with the person that God says that I'm supposed to become one with because we have a covenant. We have a covenant because what happens when you're not married and you have sex? Oh, God is like, "Oh, so you want to act like married people? I'mma let you try to act like married people because the principle is still the same. You're still going to try to become one, but I won't give you the anointing nor the grace to do it." >> Yeah. So it's important that that switch happens because I think the challenge is in a lot of places and again we talk about biology we raise our girls to say to say no we teach our boys to say yes and so all your life whether you're a Christian or not no no no and then boys you know your friends you you still aversion they diminish it they make it bad they make you hypersexual and so men are wired to want to go get it and girls are wired to not get it and then now we have a mismatch in the bedroom because a promiscuous boy is called is celebrated and a promiscuous girl is called a hoe. And so, you know, the reality is that we have to retrain ourselves to God's idea of what this is so we can have healthy relationships and explore our healthy sexuality in the proper space, in the proper season. I know that was a lot to unpack. I'm going back to watch this again. Stay with me. Don't lock out. All right. I'm not knocking out, but I was just about to go. >> Go ahead. Say what you want to say. >> I'm just No, go ahead. I'mma wait till the end. Say what you want to say. >> No, no, no, no. It's it's for the end. >> Okay. So, so in your singleness, you have to have write a couple things down for those of you that's that's that's teaching that's that's taking notes, right? So, desire doesn't equal permission. So, just because you have desire for something don't mean you have permission for it. Okay? Uh just because you you have desire doesn't mean you have permission for it. Just because you have attraction doesn't mean that that means you supposed to act on it. Okay? You just because you have you have attraction don't mean you act on it. And just because you're aroused aroused don't mean that you're authorized. Did y'all get that? >> Yeah. >> Desire doesn't equal permission. Attraction doesn't equal action. And arousal doesn't mean authorization. You still have to deal with you. Yeah. >> Okay. You have to deal with you because marriage isn't God's solution for uncontrolled lust. I'll say it again. Marriage doesn't cure lust. Okay? >> Only exposes it. >> It only exposes it. Marriage is a safe space for you to express your lust to and for your wife. I'm not saying you know love is you know that you don't love ain't love. Love ain't lust. But lust, >> we need a little attraction, right? But marriage is a healthy way to express your lust towards your wife in the same way that you express your love. But love uh marriage doesn't cure lust. And so in this process, you talk about you deal with this and nobody makes the healthy transition from celibacy. Um and it's great if you get married and both people are virgins, right? Because if both people are virgins, then figuring it out together. Um, but sometimes you have the woman that's aversion. Sometimes you have a man that's aversion. And then nobody gives you the healthy bridge of how to steward >> and tell and letting them know that that the other person who is more experienced in a sense that you have to be patient with that person. >> That's right. So self-control is a fruit of the spirit. So it is a fruit of the spirit. Is your responsibility is not the fruit of a wedding ceremony. So just because you >> you got married, just because you if you have not practiced self-control in your life, it will become difficult for you to have self-control in your marriage. And so when people say, you know, we we was just doing whatever we want to do, we do whatever you spend all your time doing, whatever you want to do. You will find challenges when the context of your marriage when you have to practice self-control. So bae, when you hear a man say that sex is a need, what can a woman hear that he may not intend to say? I said that earlier, but now with this context, what do you think? What what when a man says a sex is a need, what do you hear her say that he maybe didn't say? >> I I think that >> and ladies, you can chime in and ask asking in the chat, too. Yeah. When when when you hear a man say sex is a need, what can you hear that he didn't say? what what can you hear that >> what you what what you could what you're what what he didn't say is connection um uh intimacy uh and I think that women don't think that that >> he's saying so when he say because he might not know how to express so when he say sex is a need what he's saying is I need connection I need >> I need to I need to you yeah I need you because there's I mean you know there's there's men who have said that they've had affairs and they it didn't mean anything to them. It didn't mean anything to them. They really wanted the person that they were in the relationship with. But whatever it was that got between them, they couldn't. So, it was like sex was that way of feeling that closeness, that intimacy. >> So, how can a woman hear a man say that sex is a need without misinterpreting it? >> She has to know that that's what he's saying that he needs. He's not being mananish. That's what he he's saying that he needs that he's not being managed. He's not being, you know, a bad little boy because I think that's what women think sometimes. He is really saying that he needs it. So, what's the difference between sexual desire and sexual entitlement? >> I think that the difference between sexual desire and sexual entitlement is communication. Mhm. >> I think the difference between saying what you desire, saying what you want, saying what you need, expressing yourself, doesn't mean you're entitled to that. It's just like if you love me and I'm married to you and I say I'm I'm hungry. >> You going to feed I'mma feed you. >> I'm sleepy. >> I'mma tell you go to bed or put you to bed. >> I want you. >> I'm get some food. >> Exactly. It's like if I can express it without making it an entitlement, then that's the difference between a sexual desire and sexual entitlement. I can't impose or make my I don't want to impose or make my my spouse have sex with me. But I needed to understand that if it's a need and I say it's a need, it's a real thing. >> Yeah. >> You know what I mean? >> And I think sometimes I think it came up in the com comments that women sometimes feel like they are objects, right? in a sense. And I think that that's a real conversation that you should have with your spouse because I think sometimes that just comes from the way that you have learned about sex. Um the way that you've learned about love, um how you have expressed love or how love has been expressed to you and tell your spouse, I'm I feel very objective when you say certain things to me. And I think that's a discussion because I think it's an opportunity for you to learn something about your spouse that you didn't know. >> Men struggle any way objectifying women. I mean, some women enjoy being objectified, but I mean, I think men struggle with objectifying women cuz woo, look at her and look at that. Look at her this and look at her body. Look at her booty. Look at her boobs, you know? So, it's like, yes. So, he desires her through objectifying her and then when she he objectifies her, he wants her. He looks at her like an object and then he tries to, you know, there we go. Take her. >> This too real tonight, y'all. All right, let's keep on going because cuz we got we got a little bit to go and my battery on my computer is running out. I didn't say that. All right, so listen. Um, so intimacy then without entitlement says that 1 Corinthians the 7th chapter tells me and we got to give you biblical base because first Corinthians tells me uh that I can have intimacy without entitlement. Husband, wife, right? Wife, husband. It's not just wife, satisfy your husband, >> right? Paul says that the responsibility is on both. Husbands satisfy your wife. >> Wife satisfy your husband. Husbands don't just be the one in the sexual act and the sexual behavior that you get satisfied and she left unsatisfied. Exactly. Cuz you only was trying to get what you needed and you wasn't trying to give her what she needed. >> Okay. Cuz this work both ways, >> right? Both people are responsible for satisfying both people. And again, we're not merely saying men only have a sexual desire because we know ladies do too. Okay. But it's the responsibility biblically for both people to satisfy both people. >> Yes. Because you'll be shocked by by the percentages of women who do not have orgasms in sex. Right. And so that's a conversation that you have to have with your man. It ain't just about him. It's also about you. But that's a conversation. >> Yeah. Because your research said that a lot of times uh women don't have orgasms with their men. Uh has a lot to do with their what's in their head and think about exactly why they're not enjoying >> fact why they're not connecting with their husbands during sex. >> And also it has a lot to do about men not properly educating themselves on female anatomy, right? Just knowing exactly what to do. >> Exactly. trying to practice your sexual explorations based on what you heard somebody tell you or what somebody liked or the last person like >> or the only other part is you only trying to satisfy yourself. It's not this is this is a mutual thing. Both of us need both of us can have orgasms. It is possible. >> So we both need to learn and understand what creates that atmosphere, right? And and and what do you need in order to accomplish that >> and what does the other person need? And then let me give you that. >> Let me give you what you need. >> Uh-huh. So you don't need it from nowhere else. All right. So m mutual mutual marital responsibility should never be interpreted as a per as permission to coersse. Yeah. >> But no man wants to always feel like he's begging begging begging his spouse for sex because that rejection >> h is just I hear so many men talk about the feeling of rejection and her telling no. And you talk about the the manipulation of withholding >> withholding sex. How I got a headache. I'm tired. Um I don't feel like it. I mean all the things. And they're legitimate. All of the things. But or I'm mad at you because you didn't give me what I wanted. So now I'm going to withhold sex from you. That's witchy. >> That's control. That's manipulation. He begging rejection. He's always the one to initiate. She never seems like she wants it mutually. She not initiated. Stop reading the comments. she not initiating and in the same not initiating then there's no mutuality. Uh he's watching porn and trying to make her you know >> do stuff that she don't have no idea. >> He's trying to make her compete with pictures and and social media and pornography and instead of just exploring and figuring out she she creative you creative. Y'all don't need that. You don't need that. You can figure that out among yourselves, right? If you turn towards each other and say, "What do you want? What do you like? What do you need? >> What can I give you?" >> Right? So, so you have to have responsibility because you cannot have coercion. Again, I'm gonna say this quickly and then I'm going to go to the next video that I have to that I that I want to talk about, but illness matters, right? Child birth matters. Trauma matters. Hormonal changes matter. Grief Oh, >> matters. >> Matters. Grief will shut that door. Grief. Reaper, shut that door. Leave you on the outside. Hello. You remember me? >> Do you know? >> And it's hard. It's like sometimes >> how how am I supposed to >> Well, >> how does that conversation even come up? >> Yeah. Well, what that one movie said that sometime when people grieve, everybody responds different. Somebody sometimes people grieve, they hypersexual. But sometimes when you grieve, depending on how they go inside and you locked outside, you're like, "Babe, don't you remember me? No, I don't remember you. My brother died. My mama died. My my child died." some something horrific grief will close that door. So now what are you gonna do in the grief? Well, you think about me. >> I'm about to go. >> Yeah. You gotta have some level of this grown That's why grown folks supposed to get married because marriage requires maturity. >> Emotional intelligence. >> Pain matter. Emotional discomfort matter. Exhaustion matters. Right? You can't be thinking your wife out doing everything then she going to come home and do everything to you. No. Like you gota you got >> what you doing to help her? >> You got to give all of the stuff for you too. >> And him too. He can't be >> I understand. I understand. >> Work work and then you come on perform. You like girl listen I've been >> perform all day. >> I don't got time to per you understand. So so you okay? So so you got to have a healthy balance. You have to know that more importantly consent matters. So have a communication so you can have consent. So you can know >> hey if nothing else we got to have sex two times a week. We got to have sex one time a week. >> Have a com. There is nothing wrong with talking. >> We got to have sex once a day. >> The frequency. There's nothing wrong with it. It's not it doesn't have to be you know it's not magical. This is not Disney World. Okay. This is your marriage. >> Yeah. So even if I don't feel like it, my agreement in the context of our marriage is that we won't go at least x amount of days without having sex. So there's no space >> for the enemy. Huh? Huh? Right. >> And letting them know. >> And so we want to make sure that there is a healthy agreement so there's no coercion. There's communication. And then we commit to the communication of that. All right. So that's important. So so so so when we ask questions why am I meeting your needs? Are you good? Am I good? What's happening with us? How uh where are we right now? So instead of like if you are experiencing lack of sex in your relationship, instead of ask why you ain't having no sex, >> you should ask what's going on with you? >> What's happening with us right now? What do you think is happening? We you know >> are you okay? Do you feel a distance or is it just me? Are you good or you not good? Because it could be you'll find out a whole lot of information when you ask them if if they good >> and sometimes the other person don't know. Uh >> they don't even know that they're not good. >> Yeah. Or they don't even know that they haven't been close or intimate or whatever because they've been checked out or preoccupied or in school or raising the kids or having financial stress or and if you're not providing as a man, it's hard for, you know, it's hard. It's hard for her to be like, "Oh, yes." You know, and you got all these bills and she got all the pressure and all the responsibility. You want her to turn up. It come with a lot. Why you being quiet? >> That was good. >> I'm just saying quiet. >> Your spouse is not an appliance. >> You cannot just plug them in and turn them on. Like it cannot especially like men. Like seriously, because I know it's a I know it's men on here, right? But I'm just telling you, a woman cannot she could just not take off. Like I think I don't know who it was, but this woman did it so good and she was like we like a landing pl pad. You got to just roll up on it and then go up in the air and just that it takes moments and times and all this other kind of stuff. You got to start in the morning. You got to start with conversations. Like all those kind of things have to be done so that her body will be open and receptive to you. >> Right? So, let's go to the other side. It said men need sex, but it said women need security. All right? So, if we're gonna interrogate men, we have to also talk about the other side of security because the ladies security security. What does security mean? Right? Because when a lady says she needs security, does that just mean she needs somebody to pay her bills and needs somebody to take care of her and all that? Because we have to have intellectual consistency if we're going to talk about interrogation the sex that men need. Because a lot of men feel like women don't want them. They want them to provide. They don't want them. They want them to do for them. They don't want them. They want them to provide security for them. And so, so men also need security, not just women, right? And women desire sex. Well, men need security because men also need the security that I'm not in a relationship with somebody that just want what I do for them and not willing to do what I want for me. >> I get it and I understand that and that is so true and I that's very >> don't say no but >> that's very vulnerable. You just said why does a about a woman wanting security? >> Don't say no butt. I feel a butt in your tongue. I was going to say that's very cute and that's very whatever >> it is. But I'm saying a woman needs security for that door of that that that opened the floodgates of heaven. >> But what does that mean that because she needs to know that the lights is not going to get cut off and she needs to know that you told me you was going to work from 9 to whatever and that's where you actually was. She needs to know that I don't have to drag the the the the protection or the providing for the majority of our relationship and the majority of our time. And and there are times, don't get me wrong, there are times that when, you know, one person makes more than the other person. I just think that people just need to women need to feel that their husband is building and sharing the load with them. That's all I'm saying. They just need to know that we share all of this. >> A man is a priest, provider, and protector. I get it. All right. But what makes a woman feel secure beyond intimacy? >> Beyond >> beyond finances. >> Beyond finances, >> more than money. What makes her feel Can she is there a way she can feel secure beyond money? >> Yes. I think it's with connection and conversation and understanding >> like you understand me. You know who I am. You know, you know what goes on with me. you're interested in what goes on with me and I feel secure. I feel secure in that. I feel secure. What? >> Because that's good. Thank you. I feel secure >> because because a lot of times men hear like the same way women hear men need sex and they translate it like they do. Men hear security as money. They hear that means >> No, it's it's more than it's more than money. It's it's having it's me it's me knowing that I can talk to you and you're going to listen to what I'm saying. >> The ladies blowing the check. Yes. Yes. >> But y'all don't but I'm just saying y'all got to say that more because the guys feel like it's all about the coin. And not saying that they uh any man that that is a man wants to provide. So it's not it's provision but when the provision is the highest rank. >> Exactly. But hold on, hold on. Because some men feel like if I give you the coin, that's it. You should be good with that. You should be That's your security. >> Listen, because because a woman hasn't done a great job articulating security is more than finances. Exactly. So he's like, "I gave you the check. Leave me alone. That's what you want. Pay your bills. Get your nails. Get your hair." because it start off being so transactional that it doesn't never translate into security is more than money. It's emotional safety. It's do I still feel safe talking to you? It's am I physically safe? It's it's we're be we're both responsible and what are we responsible for? It's are you committed? Security, right? The I think that the biggest form of security that women want is that you're not leaving. That you locked in. That you doing what you say you going to do. You going I was wrong. >> No, you right. You right. >> You said yeah with a highlight. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. >> Yeah. I mean I think relational security of that commitment is one of the highest form of security. But I think that guys will give you the money and leave cuz they like you want money. You you think financial security is take care of me so I don't have to be here. So they they give you the money, give you the check, pay you bills, child support, whatever, and then go because they don't translate security >> or or provider or a husband. >> No, but I'm saying that's a sugar daddy. A sugar daddy is gonna take care of your bills and that's it. And and ain't going to ask you for don't ask me for nothing else. >> Yeah, >> that's what he's gonna say. >> Because I think sometimes we don't express that security is more than financial. >> It is. It's not. It is. the chat blowing up, >> right? All the stuff if guys and guys equally want to feel safe. The Bible says that his heart does safely trust in her. He wants security, too. He He wants security like he wants sex. He wants to be able to say to be bonderable and safely trust in her. You have even told me that sometimes a man can just have sex with you and not even be intimate with you. Like he has no connection whatsoever to you. >> Just because he gave you his body doesn't >> does not mean he gave you his that part. >> He can give you his body and never actually give you anything else. He can give you his check. He can give you his money and not actually give you >> give you anything else. >> Exactly. Because if that if you want it to be transactional, he will make it a >> transaction. >> Both want sex. Both want security. Maybe healthy sexuality. Maybe heavy heavy heavy sexuality isn't separate from security. M >> maybe the lesson is real sexuality and real security >> helps create the environment >> for for us to be naked and not ashamed. >> Naked and not ashamed is sex and security. >> Security both >> put together. >> We need them both. >> We both need them and we both need them, >> right? >> You need sex. I need security. I need sex. You need security. >> We both need security. We both need sex. >> We both need it. >> And and we both need to figure out how to give each other what they need >> and what that looks like. >> That was good. >> Did that help? All right, I'm about to close out in a minute, but I got to answer because I told somebody I was going to answer this viral video. Check this video out. >> Yeah, we gonna change cuz this is another side. Y'all can go watch this a thousand times. We getting out of here in a minute, but watch this video. It's 90 seconds. I'll be back to talk about this in a second. >> She's a beautiful person. If you see her, she's gorgeous and she's fine. So people like, why are you not pursuing each other? But her life is so aligned with God. I don't think I could lead >> to align. >> I don't think I can align with God. >> Well, I don't if that's a thing, but I don't know if I could lead her. I don't think I could lead her because >> cuz God leads her. God leads her and I would have to be completely led by God to lead her. Like she's on that type of time. Go home by nine o'clock, she works out, goes to the gym, goes to the grocery store and goes home. She's in the bed by 9:00. Classy. Like what she wears covers her body, wears her real hair. Like she's just like she meets a lot of the criteria that I would say that I mention that I want, but I just know that >> it's the God thing >> where I would have to be with my walk with God to lead her. Like she's on fire. Like she's serious. I don't know if I can be with a woman that I haven't been intimate with first. I don't necessarily see myself with her, but she is convicting me with how on fire for God she is. >> You don't consider yourself led by God. >> I do, but I'm also honest with myself about >> your faith. What is your like >> I'm a Christian. So, I identify with Christian, a believer and follower of Christ. You also have to be honest with yourself about where you are, what you're doing, and where you stand. I still fornicate, but I know I can get married and I can wash away that sin. >> It's so interesting because this young lady has everything, but she's too deep into her walk with God. And that's not something that you want right now. >> It's not so much that it's not something that I want as a man to be with her. It almost be like she's she's leading me. I need to be the one that's leading. >> My wife never saw it. So you that's her real first reaction. I wanted it like that. Babe, before I jump in, what you got to say? WHAT Y'ALL GOT TO SAY? COME ON, HURRY UP. WE GOT TO GO. >> OKAY, my grandmama told me if you don't have nothing good to say, don't say nothing at all. But one thing I am going to say, you're an idiot. First of all, idiot. >> Why? Calm down. Don't call him an idiot. Okay, I'm sorry. >> That's his truth. He was >> That's his truth. But the space to appreciate the fact that he knew that she was out. >> He was honest. He was transparent. He was vulnerable. All the other stupid stuff that y'all want me to say to make this him okay. You don't want a woman that is led BY GOD. WAIT. NO. NO. NO. NO. YOU DON'T WANT A WOMAN THAT'S led by God. If she's led by God, sir, she understands what marriage is supposed to be. >> Don't yell at him. Don't yell. >> Sorry. So if she understands, if she's led by God, God is going to lead her to do what she needs to do and to be your wife the way that God has created it to be. How what what I don't even understand that that is a crazy statement. Even if it's true. >> First of all, you know that these are sound bites. He probably said something more and they just cut it up. No, he didn't. So it could be the way it is. >> He didn't. Okay. The ladies was blowing me up saying, "Pastor, you gotta say something about this because we out here." >> So, I'mma be quiet. >> No, I don't want you to be quiet. I want to know your perspective. She said they said we out here getting penalized for being a woman of God by guys that want us to compromise our our God-given relationship >> cuz he want to sleep with her >> because she is more spiritual than >> because she being led by God. But on one, I don't know. Have you ever experienced this before? Have you ever experienced >> I have I have >> obviously I feel >> I have experienced it, but but I'm going to wait. I'm going to >> But the man that that I experienced it with, he looked at me and said, "I really love you. You're an amazing woman. You're a woman of God. You are absolutely amazing. And you're going to be a pastor's wife. you're gonna be this da da da da da da. And I'm looking at him like, "Okay, so what's so bad about that?" And he was like, "And if you get with me, I can't give you that same energy." >> So So as crazy as it may have sound, what he said, that's what I think he was saying. I think he was saying she's out of my league. I think >> then he should say that. He shouldn't say I I she gonna be leading me. That That's stupid. You shouldn't say stuff like that. You should just say she she not the one for me. >> Okay, so here's my response. >> I'm going to be quiet. >> No, don't be quiet. But obviously this touched the spot >> cuz I'm just >> And all the ladies is going crazy. >> That just makes ME MAD BECAUSE I'M JUST LIKE I'm out here. She out here trying to be what God called her to be and how to live in her purpose, how to operate in her purpose, how to be a woman of God, going to church, going to bed on time, wearing her real hair, loving God, like all of this kind of stuff. Instead of you looking at her like she IS A BAD MAMA JAMA who ain't giving you none, who not flaunting all her body to GET YOU TO COME WITH HER. SHE not enticing you. She trying to influence you. Influence you for God. When did that become a crime? I'm done. Are you sure? >> It's fine, babe. I think that good. I probably should have saved this video for another one. Here's what I think though. I think um there's another video and I didn't put it in here and I'm not. It's another video about a woman being the spiritual head and she's more spiritual and all that. Maybe we'll do that one later. But it's interesting because I appreciate his humility, right? I disagree emphatically with his conclusion. It's unfortunate that that's the posture that he took, but I appreciate his humility. I appreciate him saying I can't cover her. Her grace is too much. She's too spiritual. She's too whatever. And that ain't what I could do. But four quick things that I'll say in the next five minutes and get out of here is exactly exactly 100% he was saying that I cannot do this. All right. And so the first thing I'll say is that God, men of God, isn't the husband's competition. Okay? Never feel like the Bible says that if we compare ourselves among ourselves, we are unwise. Never feel like that your spouses, your girls, your your girl's relationship with God is in competition with you. Okay? God wants God is not in competition with you and you're not in competition with him. A husband isn't called to replace God's leadership in his wife's life. He's called to lead her, but not to be God. He's not replacing her own walk, individuality, prayer, life, salvation, walk with God. He has a role, but it's not to become God. Even in scripture where it says she needs to call him Lord like Sarah called him Lord, it's little Lord. It's not big Lord. It's little. It's little Lord, right? And so if she is following God and he's following God, then they will increasingly discover alignment. That's what Papa said, right? If he the closer you are to God, the closer y'all are to each other. And even if one person is feeling like they're more closer to God than the other person, uh there is still no competition. That's my number two. Don't compare your spirituality. We are not in competition. Right? 2 Corinthians 10:12. Don't compare yourself. It is unwise. Who's more spiritual? Who prays the loudest? Who prays the longest? She cry when she pray. I don't cry when I pray. Does that mean she more? She more spiritual. She run. I shout. He dance. He quiet. She sit in silence with God. He's loud with God. This is dumb. Like, let's not compare our spirituality. Who prays harder? who God hears better, who he hears faster, who knows more Bible, who knows more scripture. It's not a scoreboard. We're not talking about that. Marriage is not about the spiritual competition and spiritual alignment. And I'm sorry ladies that you or men are feeling like you're in competition to be more or less spiritual so you can be more or less fleshly and compensate uh your your or find compatibility because you compensated your spirituality. And I'm sorry that ladies, you're feeling like that your standard has been judged because you're finding guys who maybe perhaps just feel insecure or don't feel like they uh are actually able to uh to lead in a space that uh they feel less qualified or less spiritual. All right? So, it's absolutely the wrong scoreboard. The third thing I'll say and I got to wrap up is that submission doesn't mean silence. That just first of all the Bible doesn't just say for a wife to submit to her husband. It also said we submit one to another. This is what we talked about in our book power couples. We talked about how submitting one to another is who's better stronger at what. Who does what? Who has the edge in what particular area? Because if you understand that, then you recognize that there's a need or there's a responsibility for you to manage your own uh strengths and the other person manage their strengths. And then when we're together, that means we both have the same. We have we 10 times each other. We don't lose. I don't if my wife is an intercessor and she's more of an intercessor than me, guess who she PRAYING FOR? ME. I don't lose through her intercession. I gain cuz I know somebody is praying for me. If any two touch and agree as touching anything and I got an intercessor, >> okay, one of them got to be more stronger than the other one. Just touch and agree. >> I got an intercessor. The whole world could be against me and I got an intercessor that's with me because I have somebody that's praying for me. If if she knows more word than me, then when I'm discouraged and I'm need God, then she can speak the word of God to my life. Now there is a path in a sense that every woman can't manage that or handle that because then she feel like I'm always more spiritual. I'm the one dragging them. I'm the one. But we both have to stop comparing our spirituality and learn that submission doesn't mean silence. I can submit one to another. And that if there's areas or a place where my wife can take the lead, it's smart for me to know where her strengths are. So, I'm not leading in an area that I'm deficient, but I'm leading sufficiently. And smart leadership says, I want to put the person in charge that's the best at this situation that's going to give us the strongest outcome. >> Right? And so, as a as a as a as a strong woman and a strong man, then you have to understand that strong women who love God hear God. And strong women who love God hear God. and and has gifts from God >> and has her own mind from God. And just because she submits to you, hopefully that doesn't mean you suppress who she is in God. Hopefully, you have the capacity to not be a cat >> that part >> but to be a catalyst >> that part >> for who she is. And so submission doesn't require the aband the abandonment of intelligence, discernment, calling, voice, wisdom, gifts, relationship with God. No, my wife's submission to our marriage never requires the sub the suspension of her submission to God. Here, did you hear what I said? My wife's submission to our marriage does not qu require the suspension of her submission to God. I thank God she submitted to God. So when she mad at me, God tell her you got to forgive her. >> When she don't want to talk to me, >> God tell her you got to go talk to her. I want a wife that's submitted to God. Mama number four and then we got to go is leadership is responsibility before it's authority. Yes, I'm the man. Yes, I'm in leadership. But leadership is responsibility. It's responsibility before authority. It's not I'm in charge on the man. It's I'm more resp I'm responsible for the gift, for the grace, for the anointing, for the calling. when she submits her life to me, I'm responsible that God's purpose in her life actually comes to pass. And I'm not the reason that it doesn't. My leadership makes me responsible. >> Yeah. >> For to steward the gift, the grace that's on her life to make sure that she's everything that God called her to be and that I'm not in the way of that because of my insecurity. So, while I respect your humility and I appreciate your honesty, I really pray that God will show you not to pass up on a good woman because she is spiritual. >> And that good woman, girl, run and tell the Lord thank you. >> A strong woman never makes a godly man weaker. >> Okay? never, never, never makes a godly man weaker. A strong spiritual woman makes a godly man stronger. All right, y'all. We got something off our chest tonight. So sex, security, submission, spiritual leadership, they all sound like four different topics, but actually they what people supposed to do when they love each other and how they get along. That's why I'm telling you that's this conversation about relationships is so important. This is why we do what we do. We wrote the book Power Couples. Power Couples will teach you how to manage your gifts. You can go to my website jamonlenn.com. How to submit one to another, right? >> And and and >> G-rated sex. >> G-rated sex. We'll talk to you about how to explore and what to do with your sexuality. I got a lot of books. Go to jamonglen.com. You can see them all. I'm telling you, we just wanted to come on. We was having such a good conversation among ourselves that we was like, let's share this with everybody and see who shows up at a nine o'clock hour. And 250 of y'all showed up tonight. >> And of course, we don't want to we don't want to think that everybody knows. We don't want to think everybody knows that we actually are having a creative marriage coming up. It's coming up. It's coming up and we don't want you to miss it. Join us for it in just uh what? Two weeks. >> Yeah, two weeks. >> Yeah, two weeks. Create a marriage August 28th, 29th. If you married, come to it. We love to see you. Next year, we heard you singles. We heard you. We're going to promise we're going to have a lot of conversations about relationships because y'all want to know >> and y'all in there and we love y'all so much. >> So, we gonna make sure that you know. >> But right now, >> if you're married, we got somebody who's married. >> We need you to show up. >> Pass it. >> Scan the code. There you go. Thank you. It's been real >> if you want to. >> So, you grow. Why not? >> Because y'all came up on here. >> Y'all was in here. We was chatting. We was talking. Share this with somebody that you know needed it. Man, that was an hour >> on a Monday. >> On a Monday night. Share this with somebody that you know that needed. Thank you for talking in the chat, telling us what you think. Was it good, y'all? Was it good? Huh? Yes, please. I know creative marriage do need to go around the world right now. >> Hey, Nikki. Right now. Bring it over. It's in Chicago. All right. We appreciate the perspective. I hope y'all learned something. I hope this was a good conversation. I hope you shared it with somebody. Thank you for sewing. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for growing. Thank you for being here. We love y'all. We appreciate y'all. Go watch it again. It lives on YouTube. You Instagram cut me off because you can only go an hour. They said bye. So, I hope it was good. Thank you so much. What's that? Oh, that's couple goals. We got a couple books. I gotta go. Bye. See y'all later.