Hi, I'm Sophie and I'm so so excited to be talking today with Generation SOS. I think today it's really important that I kind of talk about the feelings behind everything and the feelings of what I went through. Um, I know that you could be like listening at home and you're like, "Well, she's female or she's this or she had this upbringing or and it's really not about the differences. It's just about the feelings of what I've gone through." So, if you can connect to that and you can understand that, then I hope it kind of helps in in a small way hopefully. Um, so I grew up in England, hence the funny accent and I had a lovely upbringing. I have my parents are both still together. I went to private school. I was extremely privileged. There was no kind of substance around me. There was no like crazy mental health stuff going on. It was like a very privileged lucky upbringing. Um, and then I actually started modeling quite young as well, probably around 15. And that was the first introduction to kind of body image and things like um, you know, things around that way. I think growing up I was like in the countryside and I didn't really have much about the city or the big things going or anything like that. I was pretty sheltered in my upbringing. So I sit here talking you to you today and I'm sober. So obviously something kind of went wrong or something kind of happened along the way and that's what I kind of really want to get into today because I didn't have anybody at school come and talk about anything. I never heard anyone tell me their story. I never heard anyone tell me about um you know either being blemic or having a problem with alcohol or the reasons behind it. So I had no one to turn to and I didn't know what to do. And when I really hit rock bottom I did not know that I could ask for help. And that was the main thing. I just didn't have the tools to realize that I could talk to somebody else and that somebody might help me. And if I asked for help once and that didn't happen then I could ask for help again and again and again and eventually you can get help. you know what I mean? So, I started kind of doing modeling at like 15, 16. And I remember at the time my booker was like, you know, keep an eye on your hips. And I was like, I don't really understand what that means. But it was probably along that time that maybe I started like cutting back a little bit on food. And again, I just didn't really I I didn't really know what was happening, but I suddenly threw myself into a very fastpaced fashion industry. And around that time, I would hang out with friends and, you know, we would be drinking like everyone was drinking. That's totally, you know, normal. But I would kind of always be the one to drink that little bit more. And I started getting known as the party girl. And I would do these things and I was getting maybe a bit more attention and my confidence would go up when I was drinking. And it felt like all these positive things would happen when I drunk. Um, so I didn't really I didn't really see that there was a problem. You know, it's like a normal part of our childhood to like try alcohol and to and to do all those things. Like it's it's it happens. I think for me what happened is I got into my 20ies and things just started to just kind of fall by the wayside. So I didn't go to college. I went to into modeling and I was doing like full-time modeling and instead of going to castings like maybe we would just go out and drink a little bit more or you know all this stuff. So in this in this time of kind of turning a little bit more, partying a little bit more, maybe not turning up for a shoot like a little bit hung over and all this jazz. What was happening to me is my self-esteem and my self-worth was kind of falling quite low. And it's weird to say cuz I was in an industry of modeling and you know whether you go to college or university or whatever you decide to do like my particular journey and my particular thing I was in an industry where everyone was telling me that I was beautiful. You know what I mean? I had an agent. we're being told this and yet I couldn't have felt worse and I couldn't have felt smaller. Um, and I kind of I imagine it like I had kind of a big bag and I just started to put things into the bag, right? So, it was kind of like, oh, um, maybe I said something to a friend when I was drunk like that goes in here. like all those feelings um were starting to kind of be bottled down and they were being pushed into a bag and that was the way of me dealing with things, right? Um so at the moment I'm like growing this quite large bag whether it was maybe like boys and not feeling very confident talking to guys and having to have a little bit more alcohol. All these things I just um I don't know. It's hard. It's weird to look back, but I just I just feel like I had very low confidence in an industry of uh you know, fashion and an industry um where we were meant to be like beautiful and confident. I guess what I'm trying to say is I guess what I'm trying to like boil it down to is that I didn't really understand at the time like what was happening but I was just drinking a little bit more and these things were happening and then other things were falling down and I I didn't really think it was a problem but I didn't know who to ask for help. So really it's just a lot of confusion. You know what I mean? And at the time there were a lot of times that I didn't speak up because my confidence and my self-esteem was so low that I didn't feel like I just kept being like it will get better. It will be okay. Everything will be okay. And I just kind of kept putting it into this bag of of you know of kind of things. And I think it's hard. I think it's so hard being young. I think there is so much pressure especially with social media. Like we are constantly shown people that are doing better. So we are constantly shown people that have more than us that are doing more than us. We constantly feel from such a young age from like 18 17 I've spoken to 16 year olds who feel like I should be further I should be getting into this college. I should be doing that and that pressure is so immense and we're not kind of sometimes taught the tools of how to deal with this immense pressure that we put on ourselves. Um I won America's Next Top Model. was a huge television show and I should have been on cloud nine and I should have been like this is so exciting and opening so many doors and instead I was like oh my gosh what do I do next? What happens? Oh my gosh, what happens if I never book a job again? Oh my gosh, I didn't choose to go to like it was in I just constantly plagued with negative thoughts instead of like the optimism and excitement about the next step. I'm just constantly in a in a state of kind of worry. So, I was like my early 20s, I'd won one of the biggest shows in the world, yet my self-esteem and my self-worth was just so small. And at that time, I think that's maybe when I turned and started like drinking um a little bit more. That is how I dealt with things. People deals with things a lot of different ways. Some people have like really hard upbringings and they turn to, you know, whether it's um you know, a control over an eating disorder or it's substance abuse. Like we all have so many different ways of dealing with what we're putting in that big bag. And if I can say something like if you can just relate to that feeling. So again, it might not be substance. You might be sitting here like I don't we just party that's all fun. Or you know, you might never have a problem or you might review this in 10 years time and be like, who was that British blonde girl that I was listening to that had that problem? Oh my gosh, actually something did resonate there. Um, but you know, we all have our own things and we all have our own big bag and eventually we can't keep putting it in that big bag. That big bag, it's so heavy. You're carrying it around. Your back is breaking. You don't know what to do. You don't know who to turn to. And I think for me, what happened was it was just so out of control. Um, you know, with all these things that I just kind of burrowed down and eventually I needed to confront it. Now, in my story, that was because I chose substance to kind of numb everything and be like, "We don't need to worry about that. Let's keep looking at the next thing." But, you know, everyone's story can be something different. Um, and eventually after many terrible relationships, don't get yourself into terrible relationships because I had never had anyone kind of talk to me and be like, "This is what a woman deserves. This is what you can, you know, this is what a woman deserves. this is um this is what you can stand up for in a relationship like all these things I just feel like I didn't have these tools or know so I went through some terrible relationships guys but after a while um I knew that my drinking was out of control and I knew I had to do something about it and I just didn't know what because I'd watched the movies and I thought that you know something like a 12step program or going to rehab I thought that was for celebrities I thought that was for rock stars I thought that was for old men I had no idea that that could be that that applied to me, you know, it's almost like I went through life like nothing applies to me. Um, you know, I I'm really alone in all this and it's just not true. And so I actually took an acting class and it just by god knows how it turned out that the acting coach was 20 years sober and he asked me in an acting class. We all had to go and tell our story and I told it and after that it was like something just clicked and I was like, I need help. like I, you know, I've got to I've got to get some help here. And I rang somebody that had once mentioned to me that maybe they were like an addict of some, I don't know, my brain was like such a whirlwind of a washing machine. And he put me in contact with someone. And for me and my journey, it was that I turned up to a meeting and I've been in a program ever since then for 5 years. And I guess it was just that asking for help, you know. Um, and we all had the ability to do it. And there will always be somebody that will listen. Whether it's a teacher, whether it's me on Instagram, whether it's generation SOS, whatever it is, there is never a problem that is too small because those problems will amount and get so big and that bag will get so big and it can be so overwhelming and there is nothing that anyone can say that somebody hasn't been through. And that's what I learned. I stopped drinking and I was like, but you don't understand. Like, I've done these terrible things and I've done this and I think this about myself and it doesn't matter. Someone's been through it. Someone's fought it. We're only human. We all thinking the same thing. We are so not alone. We are all actually so similar. Which is the sad kind of weird thing about it. I went from a place of being absolutely alone to being like, "Oh my gosh, you guys have all these problems too. What? How is that?" And then you know and then for me it was like rebuilding um and my life now looks like some tools that have really unbelievably helped me and I would never have believed it in the beginning and I'd have been like I don't want to listen to you guys like you know whatever is I journal every morning. I get my thoughts out of my head because the head is the scariest place and that's where we tell ourselves all these stories that just aren't true. You know stick to the facts and everything. This is just stories. So I get it out of there. I get it onto paper and you'll find you'll start writing the answer to the things, right? Like, oh, this guy or this girl, did she? And you'll start kind of answering yourself. I'll take 10 minutes every morning to meditate. I'll go for a run. If you don't like exercise, then that's totally fine. Go for a walk, get outside, feel the wind, see the grass, be outside, go back to basics. And those three things actually really help me. And talking to other people and communicating with others and just listening, checking in with someone, ringing your parents, ringing a friend, how is your day, what's going on? And it's so simple just bringing it back back down to all this daily day after day like um that really helps me. So I guess from um from my journey like I said at the beginning everyone's journey is different. In a place I'm at now is I've gone through this whole big bag of problems and one by one I've sorted things out and put things back. Whether that's um you know I'm a little bit older than you guys so whether it turns out that you owe people money or you know something happened in a past relationship or whatever it is I've started to unpack that bag and now I just have like a sense of calm and serene in life. I'm on good terms with lots of people and it's great. And you know what's so crazy is when I was drinking I lost my modeling agent. I lost my um you know uh acting agent. I basically I had to I blew everything up. I self-sabotaged and I blew everything up. And then I was very much in the mentality of like, well, this happens to me. This doesn't happen to other people. Like this happens to me. Like I don't deserve this. I don't deserve this job. I don't deserve this. But that's not true. And then in sobriety, what I found over the past five years is I've got another agent. I've got a green card. I've got an acting agent. I've shot a film. I've produced this. All these things that I used to say I would do I have turned to and I have done and I have followed through just a day at a time putting like a little bit more and more um into things and just by for me and my journey not drinking. So if you are watching and you have any inkling at any time of your life and you are sat there and you think you know what I maybe I like something doesn't feel right you know um or there is something going on with um maybe an eating disorder or substances or your mental health you know it's in your gut and if you can feel that something's going on just talk to someone. People know the answer. They can help. There are ways to help. there is you have never sunk low enough for someone not to help you. And if I can do anything, it's just to share, you know, I'm a lot older than you guys. I'm in my 30s. I could just I could have done so much differently in my 20s if I'd have heard somebody when I was young and that if I had just been able to, you know, realize what I was going through sooner that it didn't have to be like that. You know, it doesn't have to be so hard. It can be easier. It can be softer. You don't have to beat yourself up in your brain. That is not a normal way. We all do it. But if you're really beating yourself up, there is a softer way of talking to yourself and other people can help you with that. So, I hope that um you know, reach out. I'm on social media. Reach out to these guys. Um and yeah, don't have to do it alone. We're all here. How do you make sure that you're in a healthy relationship? So, I talked about kind of having relationships and I had some really, really terrible relationships with guys because I just didn't really I personally didn't have the confidence within myself. That's what it boils down to. So, if I can get anything across today, it's first of all, there is no guy on earth, no celebrity, no Justin, whoever the hell, there's no guy on earth that can fill that side of you. You have to have the confidence first. You have to believe in yourself first. And that is the best way to enter into a healthy relationship. And I spent my whole 20s with guys and I was like, "But this one's in finance and he's going to look after me or this one's a rockstar and he or whatever it is or this one's the guy, you know, it doesn't matter." Always thinking that they would, you know, that they would be the other half of me, not realizing that I needed to be whole first. So with a healthy relationship now, what I have realized is if anybody is going to kind of like mess me around or if I have that inkling, I will speak up straight away. And if that's not changed, then we don't need to be in a relationship. There is nothing worse than that pain of kind of he's not getting back or you know he's not treating you well. If a friend or a family member is saying this person's not treating you well, I hate to say it, but it's probably in my experience going to be true. And then about two years later after that relationship ends and you break up, you'll be like, I've literally said this. I'm like, "Yeah, thanks, Mom. Okay, you were right." They're normally right. Um, so for me now, I um, you know, I I write down I think a really helpful thing to do is write down five things maybe that you like. Perhaps you like someone that's funny. Perhaps you want someone that's super kind to you, someone that's affectionate. Write down five things that you really like. And when you get into a relationship, see if that person ticks it. see if that person, you know, fits somewhat that and then you're on a good path. And if they don't, do not waste your time. I wasted four years in a terrible relationship that should have been a month. It was such a waste of time. Please don't waste it. Just um yeah, you'll you listen to the people around you. What did my journey with uh body image look like and how did I get help? So, for me, you know what? I'm just going to be deadly honest with you. For me, I my brain would constantly be counting everything. So, I'm like, "Okay, I had a slice of bread, so that would be like 200 calories." And now I can only reach a thousand, but then I have to work out to reach more than a thousand. So, I was constantly in a mental arithmetic. And if my brain was like a pie chart, so much of it was just on eating and um you know, how not to eat, focused on what other people are eating. It was just all consuming. And sometimes that meant that I would go to McDonald's and buy 24 chicken nuggets and get into bed and eat them and then go to the toilet and throw up and then come back out and eat some ice cream and then go to the toilet and throw up like that's what that looked like and it was painful and I would pop blood vessels in my eye and it felt awful and I was ultimately sat on a bathroom floor crying in a vicious cycle of just you know trying to get um thinner and it's just it's miserable. It's so miserable. And then with my modeling agency, I got to a wait where actually one of the biggest agents in England came up to me and was like, "Your hair is starting to thin. It is starting to fall out. Your skin is like turning yellow." You know, the I was viewing myself. I was like, "I just need to be skinnier, skinnier." But in fact, I mean, I just looked like ill. I just looked ill. So for me to get help on that, I reached out. I spoke with that agency. There are so many people. This was a this was like 12, you know, 10 years ago. Now there are so many people that you can reach out to. There are so many people that understand it and it can stop. Um it's kind of magic. I don't I I honestly can't give a formula of how it stopped. I just asked for help and I followed people's guidance. Um for me personally, my eating disorder was tied in with my drinking, so it helped as well when I got sober. And now, you know, thankfully I don't have to live in that place anymore. So, I think probably my biggest advice on that is to reach out. There are so many young people. There are so many people. There are so many support groups as well on eating disorders. Um, but I will tell you now that there is no worse feeling than sitting on the floor at that bathroom and being kind of paralyzed and not able to leave or go and see friends or do anything or go on holiday or put on a bathing suit. and the the you know the things that go through your head and how you talk to yourself is just you would never ever ever talk to anyone the way you talk to yourself. There was no one that could hurt me more than I could hurt me. So I feel like as well that is a big one to do is um a lot of kind of um meditation and those things and affirmations as corny as they sound seeing that and working through that is going to be a big step in helping as well change that brain chemistry. The question is, do I think more people around me could have helped me? My answer is no. Probably not. Um, I don't think Well, I think firstly, I'm British, so we don't talk about things as much. Maybe you're from a family where you're big talkers. My family personally doesn't, so everything's kind of like swept under the rug a little bit. Um, I feel like some people did comment on my drinking, people did comment on my weight, but there was never what to do next, right? So, I was always kind of like I was aware like I knew, but I I was stuck. And I think especially in my journey and drinking, if somebody was like, "Oh, you drink too much." Then they weren't really my friend anymore and I'll go with people who do drink. You know what I mean? like I was always going to put myself in a situation with people that like wanted to party and do this. So I didn't really want to hear it if somebody was like um you know you um you've got you're drinking way too much. I was like no no next thing let's move on. So I think it is important now for me to tell people my journey so that if anybody needs help they can reach out to me or if they have like I tell my family members. I kept my sobriety a secret for two years because I was so ashamed. I was like, I'm different. What's wrong with me? I'm gonna, you know what I mean? I just want to go to parties and drink like everyone else. I was so ashamed about it. And that was just so ridiculous. And now I tell family members because, you know, for that person that feels alone and lost for help, they have someone now that they can talk to, that they can trust, that can help them, that's been through it. So when I was younger, I think if somebody had said stop drinking, I wasn't going to stop. But I wish I just had somebody that had been through it so I just understood there was a different way. So the question is I talked a lot about that big heavy bag that I like carried around with me. Um and now how I've started to unpack it in sobriety. So for me this this crazy big bag full of rubbish. I was like I got sober and I was like tying it up. Nope. We're never going to deal with that. And eventually in life, I have definitely learned this that you will have to ultimately deal with everything and it won't be as scary when you confront it. It will it just won't be and it will be softer and you'll be like, I cannot believe I wasted all that time worrying about it. Whether it's like going to the doctors, I was so scared to go to the doctors. I didn't want to know if anything was wrong. So, I would just make up stories and be like, "You're dying of or this is happening or you had like it would just be and in sobriety, guess what? someone took my hand and we went to the doctors and it's all okay. You know what I mean? And if it's not okay, it will be okay because there'll be a way that it will be okay. So, there's really nothing that can't be kind of somebody can't hold your hand through. Um, for me personally, I had some money problems. I was like, "Oh my gosh, I need to do that again." It was just something step by step we worked through. And I think all these things can feel so overwhelming, but in fact, all you need to do is talk with someone else. And for me in sobriety, that's a sponsor. It could be a family member. It could be a friend. It could be a guidance counselor, a teacher, a therapist. There are so many people now that you can talk to and they will just break it down because this really big scary bag, what it really is is just lots of little piles that we're going to sort through one at a time and that's manageable.