couldn't just be like, hey, mom and dad, I forgive you. I forgive you, mom and dad. No, you didn't protect me. You were actively involved in my abuse in daily ways, as I mentioned, emotionally, verbally, financially, physically. You preyed on my downfall. You never had my back. You don't give a damn about me. There's no going back. What is up you guys? Happy September, happy question mark September, happy September. It's so good to see you again. I have been writing about this topic over on Substack a little bit here and there and I've heard from some of you saying that I should talk about it more on YouTube. So I am here to talk about my childhood trauma in more detail than I ever have before and mostly because I realized that I haven't really talked about it. out loud with other people much other than my therapist. I've written about it, but speaking it is a totally different experience. So thank you for being here. Let's get right into it and welcome to my super cozy room, the coziest place in the apartment. So today I wanna talk about what it's like going no contact, why I went no contact and a lot of the abuse that I suffered in my childhood because... I've realized that going no contact isn't just my story. It's something that actually a lot of us are quietly living through. Anytime I post about something about going no contact with your family on TikTok or YouTube, I always get comments from people being like, me too, me too. So it's very interesting to see and to start this conversation together. So hi. I'm Alexi, if you're new here, I went no contact with my family about four years ago, three and a half years ago. And on Substack, I've been writing about the realities of that choice. Not just the empowerment, but the exhaustion and grief that come with it. Because this isn't just a story about my family. It's about survival, self-respect. and what it really takes to choose yourself when it feels downright impossible. When you first cut ties with your family or someone toxic in your life, it could be a boyfriend, a friend, a coworker, people assume that it's this instantaneous relief. And yeah, it can feel like exhaling after holding your breath for a really long time. But here's what no one tells you. you can feel safer and lonelier at the exact same time. Relief doesn't erase the heartache, it just gives you the quiet space to finally notice it. And sometimes the quiet is really brutal. I've realized that when people talk about going no contact online, it's usually glamorized and like this very empowered girl boss decision. Block them, protect your peace, cut them off. But here's the thing. No one tells you what the fuck it's actually like after you hit the block button. After you cut ties and put the scissors back in the drawer. The ripple effects, the silence, the grief, the weird dreams, the way that it changes you. It threatens everything you've ever known about family and your identity. And a big part of this, which it feels kind of icky to say, is grieving the living. No contact isn't just cutting someone off and moving on, it's grieving people who are still alive. That messes with my brain in ways that brings me heartache I'll never feel for anything else. And that grief is so deeply layered and complex. You grieve the mom you wish you had, the childhood you never got and you will never get. You grieve the version of family that only existed in your imagination. Hi buddy, come lay down, come on. Come lay down, you wanna say anything? Okay, sweetie. You grieve the version of family that only ever really existed in your imagination, and that's honestly painful. It sucks. It really blows. And for me, part of the grief was realizing that there was never going to be a version of my mom who could love me in the way that I needed. That's so painful to admit and to accept. This wasn't about a bad fight or a toxic dynamic that could be patched up by two willing participants. This was about years of abuse. Emotional abuse, verbal abuse, financial abuse, and yeah, even sexual abuse that started when I was just three years old. And I don't have to detail every heinous act here, but what I will tell you is this, it wasn't just one person. It was an entire ecosystem of crimes, predators, pedophiles, abusers, people who didn't care if I was alive or dead. My mother put me into sexualized situations she should have never introduced to me, made me do things I never wanted to do. My brother took advantage of me sexually for seven years. My grandfather on my dad's side sexually abused me in... horrendous ways on the few off times he was out of prison. There were family friends, were family members, there were teachers. It was a lot. And my mother was sort of like the Epstein of it all. She was quite literally making me give her massages without when she did, she would take off all of her clothes and make me give her massages and she would moan loudly as if she were having or reaching sexual climax. That started from a very young age, a very young age that she would make me do that. And it really wasn't until Recently that it came into my mind and I was like, wait a second. That's actually really abnormal. And what is really abnormal about it too is that she never got a professional massage. She only ever had her children do it. And that's disgusting. I'm 32 now. And when I think about having kids, I'm like, I would never put my kids in that situation and I would never feel comfortable. even being naked around them like that, let alone asking them to massage me, that's disgusting. um And again, I'm not gonna detail every heinous act and disgusting crime because there were a lot of them and it was abuse on the daily, literally on the daily. Another disgusting thing that sticks out in my mind is when I was a young girl, really young, three, four, five maybe maximum probably three four you know I really liked the feeling of hair and you know little kids babies they'll grab your hair they're fascinated with hair they like the cozy feeling of hair the fuzzy feeling of hair and so my mother decided to weaponize that by uh forcing me to rub her pelvic area, let's say, her pubic area. She literally forced me to rub her pubic hair. She would lay down in her bed on her back and tell me to play with her pubic hair. It is disgusting. It is disgusting to say, but here I am. I'm just trying to paint the picture that that was how my mother was behaving and then I had my brother doing things, my grandparents, family, friends, whatever. My mother did not give a damn. It was really scary. And so that's not something that you can fix with a boundary conversation or a conversation about boundaries. Okay. That's something that you survive and then decide you're never going to let follow you into adulthood. so I'm not letting someone like that around me or anyone involved in that circus of horrors around me anymore. Okay, um listen, I know that this is really bleak stuff, okay? And I know that it's gross and disgusting and whatever. um I am grateful to have the strength to even talk about this kind of stuff right now. And I figure if I have the strength to talk about it, I should talk about it. And um I'd like to talk about it and then move on. So that's what we're gonna do. I just told you a little bit about my mother and her behavior, but other things, you know, she sexualized everyone, including her own children. But like other kids at school, she would talk to me about, you know, boys in elementary school and the size of their feet and the size of their hands and you know what that might mean. I'll let you do the rest. She was just very creepy and gross and sexualized us in every way possible and in every single way that I didn't want to be. um It was horrific. I started doing EMDR therapy in August of 2023 so that I could really just confront the horrific traumatic memories that my body carried but my brain had buried for so long, which was that my brother raped me from the ages of three to 11. And it... was awful and I dissociated from a very early age and learned to dissociate and really just leave my body from a very early age. And that will make me emotional, but I'm not, I don't really even feel like crying and I don't wanna cry, but that was horrendous. And for a long time, I wanted to just end it all um because I felt so sad and despondent. And the first time I tried to. I was like eight years old and that just breaks my heart for younger me because she didn't deserve any of that and certainly deserved a better family who wasn't yelling at her and belittling her and humiliating her and abusing her in every way possible, doing whatever they could really to break her down. And I am so grateful to be here at regaining my strength and confidence to show back up in the world because I went through a lot of bad shit as a kid and my family honestly is made up of horrendous, scary, dangerous people. My therapist once described like family sexual abuse to me as sort of like a soup and, and, you know, basically said like if you added some poison to the soup or an ingredient that was poisonous to the soup, it wouldn't only infect one part of the soup, it would make the entire soup poisonous. It would get into every part of the soup. And that's how family sexual abuse works. doesn't just It isn't isolated to one person or one instance. Unfortunately, it really takes on a life of its own and reshapes the entire family, usually forever and ever unless someone like myself starts going to therapy to break the generational curse and traumas. And so that's all to say that I know my sister was a victim. I know that my brother was a victim of sexual abuse and the like. I know that my mother and father were victims of sexual abuse when they were kids at the hands of their parents. It's really a tragedy through and through a generational tragedy. and it breaks my heart. And yet I have the strength to be able to sit here and tell you this is my story in the hopes that it helps you either confront realities that have been too dark for your brain to even remind you of. or things that you just wanna start looking at now. It's a lot. There was no one to protect me, none of my grandparents, none of my family members. My mom manipulated me from a very young age and I was basically brainwashed into believing that she was like a perfect martyr of a woman who could do no wrong. And of course I was taught from a young age that every problem could somehow lead back to being my fault. And if only I could be more perfect, then things would be better and bad things wouldn't be happening. As I got older, your body keeps the score. And I don't know if any of you guys have read the book, The Body Keeps the Score. I need to read the physical copy. I've listened to it on audiobook. And now that I'm healed more, I would be able to handle it better. But it is intense. And it's all about how your body stores traumatic memories and carries it through even when your brain suppresses those memories and basically erases things because it's trying to protect you and wait to reveal those things to you until you are ready and able to handle them. My body has kept the motherfucking score, you guys, let me tell you. My body has kept the score and I am still doing EMDR in which I literally go into my body and it's like, I sit and I go back to traumatic memories and replay what's happening and explain to my therapist what's happening. I speak out loud what's happening. I speak to my... younger self and how old she is at that moment and what she needed to hear at that time. I do whatever I need to do to the person who is abusing me in those memories when I'm going back to them and I, you know, punch them or beat them up or push them and kick them and run away or whatever, hurt them however I need to. Say what I need to as a younger person, say what I needed to hear when I was that age. from myself now at 32, know, things like, I love you, I'm here for you, this shouldn't be happening, this is not your fault. I'm gonna cry saying that one, but it's like, that's the big one. Like, I'm not gonna cry. Mostly saying to her, to little Lexi, when I'm going back in therapy to those traumatic memories to heal them, I say to her, this is not your fault. This is not your fault. A lot of the feelings of guilt and shame and sadness and depression have come from being like, oh my God, this is all my fault because I was a bad kid or a bad person or whatever, X, Y, Z. You're a child when those things are happening, so you're gonna make up childlike. excuses for why it's your fault, but it was not my fault. And I tell her that. And through this intense process, that's almost I think like hypnosis, but not because you're active, whatever. You identify where the pain is in your body, what it feels like, what it's telling us, you do all those things. And you work through it and you rescue younger me, I rescue younger me from the situation and then I take her out of there and it's really helpful and cathartic and it really works and makes it such that you can revisit those traumatic memories that once completely broke you or scared you or weren't even available to you because they would have broken you and you're no longer destroyed by them. They're not, they, you're more like desensitized to them in a way. They're not as painful when you think about them or talk about them even, which is amazing. And I am living that by being able to sit here and talk to you about these things. I mean, I literally used to not even think about it to myself at all. It is crazy. It wasn't until like 2019 maybe I was laying in bed and like this, it was literally like a box of memories in my brain had. the lid had come off and it was like, remember when you were sexually abused by your brother? And I was like, what? No, I used to literally like shut it the fuck down. would shut it down. I'm so grateful to be in a position now where I can even talk about these things and talk to you about what I've been through. Because you know what? It's actually insane what I have been through and what I have survived and how successful I was and how people tried to come for me. And it's like, you guys don't know half the shit I've been through. You don't know what I have survived. And that's fine. How could you have known? I never talked about it until now. But now that you know, I need you all to know very clearly how strong of a person I am and that I am absolutely not one to be fucked with. at all. And more than that, I'm just a lover girl, okay? And I wanna help you and I wanna help me and I want to create a community where we can talk about these things because knowledge is power, but using your voice is so powerful too. And I cannot say enough good things about EMDR therapy, so. Let's move on to talking about other things that em no one warned me about with going no contact. Again, I needed to sort of set the stage for why I couldn't just be like, hey, mom and dad, I forgive you. I forgive you, mom and dad. No, you didn't protect me. You were actively involved in my abuse in daily ways, as I mentioned emotionally, verbally, financially, physically. You preyed on my downfall. You never had my back. You don't give a damn about me. There's no going back. I became an adult and I was like, wait a minute. These people are other, these people are basically just random adults, okay? Would I wanna hang out with them as friends? No. Would I have anything to do with them if they weren't quote unquote family? No. Well, guess what? The word family doesn't really mean shit to me because of where I came from. So I'm cutting ties. Goodbye. I'm so much better now. It's been, like I said, four years and I don't talk to anyone in my family and I'm much better for it. I'm much better for it. Anyway, let's talk about more realities. Like how I thought that blocking numbers and cutting them out would block the pain and end the pain, but that didn't happen until I actively worked through things. because it doesn't work like that. You cannot just get over things that deep and dark overnight. And triggers creep in absolutely everywhere, you guys. A birthday reminder, a holiday like Christmas, a family photo on Instagram, even a Netflix documentary. Like I just talked about in one of my recent videos, I watched that catfish documentary with the high school kids. and suddenly it felt like my own mother was in there in the room. What I've realized is that no contact cuts access, sure, but it does not erase the memories or the feelings. Trauma just doesn't vanish overnight. It lives in your body. I can be walking through Target and smell something that... basically catapults me right back into my childhood home, straight into that house as a kid. And I have to do everything in my power not to lose it. And that's the part that no one prepares you for. The way your body keeps the score even when your mind tries to move on. And then you guys, there's the stigma. The second... The second you say to someone, I don't talk to my mom anymore, people tilt their heads. They start getting judgy. They say, but she's still your mom. Like biology cancels out all of the abuse. People say like, my God, I could never stop talking to my mom. Okay, bitch, that's you. I'm glad. I wish that that were the case for me. I truly wish that were the case. But like people don't wanna hear about the abuse. because it forces them to question their own families and their own family dynamics. So it's easier to make people like me or you who go no contact into the villain. To pretend I'm cold or ungrateful or petty rather than face the fact that some mothers hurt their kids. And that's an ugly truth to face, but we know that it's the reality, unfortunately. That silence, that... wanting to just move on and get over it only protects abusers and it only further isolates survivors of the horrible abuse. Here's another curveball that I've been dealing with which I'm like, oh my god, Lexi, get it together. You're a mess. Healing can sometimes feel really, really boring. Okay, after years of chaos, And like even in my romantic relationships once I got older, peace feels empty. Like who even am I without the constant drama and yelling and lying and manipulation and games? Sometimes I caught myself craving the noise because at least it was familiar to me. This is not familiar. Peace has not always been familiar, honey. You have to learn to sit in peace. without mistaking it for emptiness or boredom. And similar to that, I realized that going no contact completely changed the way that I love and the way that I want my relationships to be. I started craving real safety in my partnerships, friendships, coworking situations, relationships. I had never done that before. I had never prioritized safety in relationships before, and I had been abused in every relationship I had been in before. those are other stories we need to talk about. like, it took a long time for me to realize that I don't want love that feels like constantly walking on eggshells. I want calm. I want care. That's the gift buried inside all of this grief. you start demanding a different kind of love for yourself and you end up blossoming this beautiful life. I know this was a lot and I'm so appreciative that you're here. If you're thinking about going no contact or you've already gone no contact and the silence feels heavier than you expected, listen to me when I say that you are not broken, this will not last forever, you are not wrong and you're definitely not alone. No contact isn't one dramatic decision made in a flippant huff. It's a practice, a daily choice. Some days it feels like complete and utter heartbreak. Okay, I will not lie. Some days it feels like freedom and peace and calm and joy and a sense of fulfillment you never knew was possible. And then one day you realize a holiday passes or someone's birthday passes And you didn't spiral. You didn't have a panic attack. You didn't reach for the Xanax. And that's when you know peace is real. If this resonates, hit subscribe, share it with a friend who needs to hear it. And I'll keep sharing the messy parts, the healing parts, and the unexpected joy of finally choosing yourself. I love you guys. Thank you so much for being here. I'll see you next time. And let me know in the comments what your childhood trauma is all about, okay? I can't be out here alone sharing my shit solo. Guys, girlies, gays, theys, thems, dogs, tell me your childhood trauma is not clocking to you that I'm standing on business when I say I want to create a community where we feel safe to share these things, talk about these things, help each other get better, and make family estrangement less taboo. I love you, be good to yourself and others, make sure you're subscribed. Bye! Second guess