Hello, welcome back episode two of the honest connection where we talk about things that maybe aren't always supposed to be spoken about and we talk about your trauma, we talk about your experience and hopefully anybody listening can take something away. Uh I have a very very special guest. I'm a little bit starruck myself and I'm going to give her the opportunity to introduce herself. >> Well, hello. I'm SA. I was on Love is Blind UK season 2 which was on Netflix and since then I'm just living my life my authentic journey. Um and yeah that's me. >> I can say more. >> Uh well hopefully you will as we go along really. Um but um so like for me when I like first saw like the love is blind trailer I thought you know what Indian girl this is this is a this is a bit of a taboo really we don't we don't see this stuff. Um, so what was it that made you kind of go on and what was the thought process and did you think about like what the future would hold after that or anything or >> Yeah. >> like how was it really for you? >> Yeah. Oh, so yeah. Where do I start? So basically yes Indian seat girl um like born and raised here in the UK. However, very traditional values like yes, live a modern life. Um, but growing up, dating was just not a thing for me. I'm the eldest in my family. Um, so my two sisters literally cannot, they have a very different journey to me. Um, but I kind of upheld the whole, you know, you don't date, you study hard. Once you studied, the person will just end up being there and you marry that person and the families are happy and you're happy and that's how it goes. Um, however, that just didn't work out for me. like I started to date cuz in uni then my grandparents would try to introduce me to people um other friends or family and I was like I don't even know if I'm feeling anything for these guys that have been introduced to me. So, I tried to date but just wasn't meeting the one. And I used to have this massive tick box like we're talking, are the parents together? What job does this person do? What car do they drive? Um, are they the same cast as me? Like it literally this list was and I don't even know casts, but I knew mine. So, this list was like extensive. Um, and obviously if you're dating in the modern world with a list like that, what are you actually trying to achieve in a relationship? So, I didn't actually fall in love. Yes, I had an ex. Yes, I dated. But it just didn't feel like it was me, if I'm going to be honest. I didn't enjoy the process of it. Um, and then long story short, hit 29. Um, and the guy I was seeing at the time, it was very early days, but ghosted me. And once that happened, I was like, "Oh god, I'm going to be 13 next year. I'm single. I'm nowhere on this timeline of life that I predicted for myself." And now my little cousin's getting married who's my mom's sister's son. So my mom's son's getting married and he's like at the time he was like 25 and I was like oh this is just not okay for me. Anyway, having all those thoughts, having that, you know, that, you know, internal breakdown and then I was on my phone and saw um an ad for Love is Blind and I was like, "Oh, this is interesting." Cuz in America, it's worked. Like, you have these marriages, they're lasting, people having children. So, I literally applied off a whim. Um, and next thing you know, I'm now about to sit on the show. And for me it was can I fall in love with someone who doesn't follow the tick box that I've been brought up to follow. Um and it was almost can I allow my guard to go down? Can I see past what traditionally or culturally I'm expected to marry? Um and for me that's why I went on it. >> Okay. So you mentioned your timeline quite a bit there. Yeah. Um, so I think we've all done it. We've all kind of had that thing of like, yeah, by the time I'm 25, I want to be married. I want to have a kid. I want have a like or like >> you have this really big >> idea of what you want your life to to look like. So if I can ask you to go back to when whenever it was when this timeline was created, what did you want it to look like? And at what point were you thinking okay this was I wanted to achieve this by then and that by then and what what did it look like at that point? So in my 20ies I knew the timeline was you study and as soon as you finish uni you'll meet that person by 30 you would have had the kids have the house you're married happy life happy everything that's what I expected and that timeline I think it was just in in like it's from the generations above for most of our families I feel like the generations above they did live a different time of life and I think we sometimes people don't realize that when they put that timeline down onto us and the generations that come from like below us as well. We're following a timeline that just doesn't make sense anymore because back then like my mom never got the opportunity to go to uni. She wanted to study and it was nope you hit 16 you get married and that was that. So she said to me of course by 30 I would have had kids married everything. Um but she was like but for you that just doesn't make sense because if you go to uni by the time you come out you're already what 21 and now we're expected in that time now for you to do a great career to settle down to find your person to get married and make everyone proud. Um, so yes, when I look back at 29, I think I was having a bit of a, oh no, like I've been the golden kid all my life and followed the book and this timeline has about 11 months left and it's not happened for me. So I hate the word timeline now. Like I am such an advocate to go against it because everyone's journey is different. Like someone could get married at, you know, in their teen years, early 20ies. They might hit my age and they're not happy, but they might not be able to leave that relationship now. So for me, I always say everything will happen the way it's meant to happen. We just have to stay strong and trust the process, trust our journey, and stay true to ourselves. So I've only been starting to be true to myself since 30, if I'm going to be honest. >> Okay. Okay. I suppose it's always that thing, right, where people whenever anything bad happens to them, they always think, you know, I thought I would have had it figured out by now. But I don't think anybody ever really does ever have life figured out like no matter what how old you are >> and stuff. But the thing I was cuz I know like you mentioned like your mom wanted to go to uni and basically wasn't given the opportunity because she was forced into a different kind of life than what she initially wanted. So >> how much of the timeline that you had at that point was what you like do you ever look back and think okay is this what I wanted or was this just what I was kind of like was pushed into me and like ingrained in me that I have to achieve this because I've seen it happen through generations or was it your your kind of thinking or like where were you with all of that? So when you look >> it's a bit of both. Yeah. If I look back on it, it's a bit of both because for me, all the marriages above me were my parents' generation. So, we're talking, you know, my parents are in their 50s. So, oh, wait, no, my dad just hit 60. But anyway, mom's early 50s. So, that generation, that's all the marriages they had. Below that, I'm the eldest on both sides of my family. Actually, there's only, you know, here and it's a bit of a colorful family, but I am technically the eldest. So, if I'm next, all that I'm going to know is we follow that path. Um, I guess if I was one of the younger siblings, I would have seen, oh, you know, my cousins are dating, they've done this, they've introduced someone, it didn't work out. I would have probably had a different perception. Um, but all I knew was traditional marriage. Um, and also all my friends around me were all in relationships. Like, they were dating since we were like in primary school. So, I'm there thinking, I don't want to follow your path because I'm I don't really think that's for me and I think I'll get quite judged in the family if I do that. And I'm trying to follow your path, but it's not working out for me. And now I'm stuck in a what what's happening? Am I doing something wrong? Am I Is it am I not meant to fall in love? Is there no one there for me? Like so much. Honestly, the anxiety I had just about living my own life was incredibly insane. I get that. I've had that in my life when I've seen everybody around me move forward and get to places that you >> you didn't necessarily think you were going to be in the same spot, but you thought like things might work out a little bit more differently than what you thought it would. >> And it is there is a lot of pressure. And I feel like in in our culture, in our community, there's way more pressure than there is in a lot of other communities and cultures. I feel like we're >> we're kind of pushed into things and have to believe that, >> you know, I remember being told that, you know, have kids when you're young. You want to be able to play with your kids. You don't want to >> have a bad back when you got kids getting older, things like that. >> Funny enough, I have a bad back at 31. So, like, what does that mean now? >> But it is it is just like a a thing. But like when like sort of before we start moving on to other aspects of of timelines and feedback but why 30 I know and I do what it is I think it comes down to women's biological clocks as the term is cuz when I look back on it the main thing is that if I say to my grandparents why did I why would you want me to get married early and it does come down to the fact of well if you want children. So I think that's what it is. Back then it was well you know with the girls they don't have jobs or education so you need to get married because the man's going to be financial stability, home life stability. Um it was a different concept to what marriage was whereas nowadays women can stand on their own two feet. Women are looking out for something different from a marriage. Um so yeah so now it's different but yeah I think it was just all about kids if I'm going to be honest. Um, and I know some people in my mom's generation said, "Oh, well, we got told when we get married, that's when we can cut our hair, dye our hair, you know, do our eyebrows." Like marriage was seen as you become a woman almost. So whether you're 16, 17, it's better to do it sooner because oh my god, you get to live this great life. But obviously look back in like when they look back on it, I don't think that's, you know, they didn't get to go to, you know, the salon now and start dyeing their hair cuz they're married. It wasn't like that. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Well, is there is there a new timeline? >> Pardon? >> I know you hate the word, but is there like a new timeline that you have now or is it just what life throws at you cuz you've dealt with a lot and which we will get to, but like you've dealt with so much. Like do you feel like it's scrapped? You don't have one anymore and you just allowing life just to come as it goes or is there something else? Um it is really interesting cuz someone asked me this and I was like no like my happiness is what I do now in life like what makes me happy I go for it and I don't overink it or try to worry about the future too much because if I worry about the future too much it will take away from the joy in the present straight away. Like if I switch my thought now to oh god like what am I doing? I'll freak myself out and that's when the anxiety will start. Um, yes, I'm not silly to know that life does, you know, you want I I do want to settle down at some point. I do want to have children. And for me, people ask, "Are you going to freeze your eggs cuz you're 30?" This is that whole timeline thing. And it makes you think cuz I'm like, "Oh, am I being silly? Is someone going to listen to me and be like, "Oh, she's just, you know, now what's she doing in life? She just does whatever. Like, what's her purpose?" I guess my purpose is I'd rather be happy than following an non-existent timeline that someone else created um for whoever. So yeah, I guess yeah, I just want to be happy and I think that's really important cuz honestly I'm so much more chill in life and it's nice. Mhm. >> Yeah. But I suppose the thing like what happened with you on Love is Blind is that if that didn't happen the way it turned out, would would you are you kind of do you ever look back and think kind of happy that that happened because now you've got like a new way of looking at life, new lease of it, or is it more or is do you still kind of carry that trauma a little bit with you as well or like where are you at with that? I am honestly it's so scary to think if I didn't go through what I went through. I would have been the same person. The growth internally would not have happened. And I don't know what it would have taken in my life. And I'm hoping something else would have happened for me to realize what are you doing? How are you living this one life you've been given? What's your purpose? Um cuz I was losing myself already in my 20ies not realizing. And so I'm really grateful to that chapter so much. like yes, okay, you go on there and of course I wanted a husband. All I wanted was to settle down. I genuinely thought potentially that happened for me, but what I've learned afterwards is lifechanging. So, I will be no matter what emotional damage happened last year, um forever grateful to it cuz I'm not the same person. It built me in a way that I didn't realize I needed to be built. So, >> I get that. I understand. Like so in a way worked out okay really even though you had a >> in a crazy way. Yeah. So many people like someone said to me uh not long ago. I don't know where. God knows where. But they were like oh so you were on that show and I was like yeah. They're I've never watched it before. Like did you win? And I was like did I win? I said oh. Um it's not that kind of show like it's not like Love Island where there's like a couple that wins. But I was like, I guess if you're the couple that can like stays together and you're still married after the show, that's a big win in itself. And then I was like, but if I'm going to be honest, I said, I think I have one for myself because I said like I've learned a lot and I've see life differently and I'm happy. So I said, considering before I went on there, I really was struggling quite a bit. Um, and God, yeah, I'm just not that same person. I'm grateful cuz it's built me. But yeah, I'm I'm so glad I went through it. >> So, I know like going back to I know you said you were feeling down and feeling a certain way about life before all of this happened. What What did it feel like? Cuz I kind of get the vibe that maybe you felt like you were you were being left behind a little bit of and life was kind of going forward. You were kind of like right here still and >> everything was moving. How does that feel? How did that feel like thinking I'm nowhere near what I want to be at the moment? I'm this is not what I thought was going to happen. How do you feel like looking back at that now? So >> yeah, when I look back on it like I was struggling like I was the person like attending all my friends weddings without the plus one um and going to like you know their housewarming parties and I'm like oh like yes I live at home so cuz for me like it doesn't make sense. I would rather live with a partner than cuz I have a very chill home life. So it's not like I have an extended big family. I pretty much live in a house that is kind of mine. Um so yeah, so I felt like and I felt like a bit of a failure because I felt like you know grandparents are getting older, others other grandkids are getting married and I'm just like like what do I have to show for myself? And I think the external pressure from others and the external judgment from others, that's what I think caused my mental health to take its sort of low moments in my 20ies because when I look back on it, my mom and dad were very much like very supportive, very chill with us and never put that sort of pressure on me. But it was everyone around them. And even if they didn't say it, you knew it. Like you would go to a family wedding and it would be like oh so like are you have you met someone or you know when is it your turn and I'm like like is that all that matters in my life like not have you ever asked like how are you like are you okay like how's work going how's how's anything going in my life like there's a lot more to my life than just to get married so yeah I think I was struggling from external pressures coming in >> do you think like cuz I know In our community, comparison just comes pretty much comes with the skin, right? It um you can't get away from it. Um >> no. >> Do you think it stole anything from you or took something away from you that you you probably didn't realize that you had when you look back or anything or >> Yeah, I think yeah, that whole comparison being compared to like you know your cousins and etc. in society in general. I was being compared to my next door neighbor at times by my own dad growing up. He was like, "Well, she works at Tesco and brings money home and all that you do is study and ask for money to to study." So, you know, like I've had it all my life and now obviously my dad now knows that was wrong for him to do. Um, >> and yeah, it does. It steals away from what you want to do in life. Like >> if I look back on it, was I doing things that I that made me happy or was I doing the things I was supposed to do for others? Like >> you know just anything like picking your GCSEs like did I really want to do double science and things like that back then? Probably not. I loved PE. Why did I not pick the PE GCSE? So, it's things like that when you look back on it where I was like, "God, I really enjoyed certain things or wanted to do things and I didn't because of what pressure, society, expectations, cultural norms, like the whole shebang." Um, and when I look back on it, God, I was like, "No wonder I was a bit of a anxious mess." Whereas my sisters were like, "We're living our best lives. We don't know what Server's up to." Yeah, >> it's um yeah, I I kind of Yeah, I feel like for me growing up, I always thought like cuz I was like it's something like a really weird kind of thing with my family where I'm like a first cousin cuz it was such a big age gap between my dad and all of his brothers and stuff. So like there's so many people around my age who were getting married and everything. I was just left right behind. I'm like, man, he's young. He's like 10 years younger than me. What's going on? >> Yeah. And but and I feel like it does steal a lot from you because you start chasing things that you may not necessarily be ready for. >> Correct. >> And it is and it is a real hard kind of life lesson when you realize that, you know, you've gone into something. You've gone really deep and you're like, "Oh, don't know if I was actually fully ready for this, but now I'm in too deep that I can't can't turn back." >> Well, it just happened to my cousin literally this year. >> So me and my cousin, same age, pretty much born a month apart. He lives in Scotland. I live here. Um, and when I went on the show to film it, he was getting married that year. And it was a big surprise to me because I was like, "Wait, dude. Like, you're getting married." I was like, "I didn't even know this was like what? Like, this is crazy." And um, and it was just so sudden. And anyway, I come out of the show, obviously, I had to miss his wedding for him. And I was gutted. And um, then I found out around Christmas time that um, he's getting a divorce or he's separated. I was like, "What?" And obviously I'll we'll go back into but same time for me when my relationship ended and then I just saw him um this summer and I was like what happened like you know we are we just copying each other in life you know be light-hearted about it I was we get married at the same time we get divorced at the same time we were born around the same time and he just said to me he goes so he goes I should not have got married and I was like why? He goes, "I actually went for an arranged marriage and realized I gave into pressure and look what's happened." He goes, "I shouldn't have done it." >> And I was like, "Yo, this is sad." I said, "Look at us." Like, we're 31. We're living modern lives in the modern world and I did it my way and it didn't work out. And people look at that and be like, "Well, what did she expect?" You did it the right way in some people's eyes, the arranged marriage, good family, good girl, good everything. And it didn't work out. And we're both sat in the same boat. So what does that show? It just shows everyone's lives are unique. Their journeys are unique and we need to just let people live the way they want to live because two people went and did two different things and same outcome. >> M did you get what was it like when you know you told people yeah I'm going on love is blind. I'm going to I'm going to get married someone who I'm not going to meet until they say would you marry me. U what was that like? Um, so I didn't think at this point in my life when I hit 29 and I knew I was being on the show. I didn't think about anybody else. For the first time in my life, I was like, I actually can't care less because if this is the m it's meant to be for me, this is the way I'm supposed to meet my person. I want to choose love and happiness now. Um, and it was it wasn't out of spite. It was more I respect my family and I respect everyone, but I really need to do this for myself. Um, and my mom was like, "Look, I don't know what this show is." I told her, "Watch two weeks, um, the two first episodes of any other season. It's the pods. I'll probably be home in two weeks. It'll be an experience. What are the likelihood I'm actually going to meet someone?" That's what I told her. >> With my dad, I didn't tell him because I was like, "Why would I tell my dad I'm going on a dating show now? I'm going to have this whole conversation to explain the show, the concept, and what happens if I'm home in two weeks and I didn't meet someone? Why would I put him through that as well? >> My sisters, they weren't keen. They were like, "So, you you have a, you know, a very traditional sort of mentality. Do you really feel like you should be going on a show where anybody could be sat on the other side of that wall? And if you form a connection and that is someone you wouldn't even introduce to your family, how are you supposed to navigate that? Like, you're going to humiliate yourself. Um, and we don't think it's for you." And I just thought, "Do you what? Screw this. I'm doing it." because at the end of the day if I listen to opinions again I was like well girls I was like if I listen to you I'm going to there's just no point there's no point so yeah I did that and then to the surprise of my family myself actually met someone and that's when I um had to then tell them and call my dad and be like hey dad because I told him I was going on fear factor cuz I didn't want him to worry and that was the only thing that came to my mind on the phone call I was literally just driving I was like oh dad I'm going to be away for a couple of weeks he's like where are you going I was like oh like um yeah like I'm going go and film something and you know the fear factor goes yeah I was like yeah yeah it's a fear factor and yeah and that was that so I I didn't even know that it doesn't even air anymore but it was the first thing I thought of um and then yeah so when I finally called my family and everyone to let them know cuz obviously you're filming it's very busy you don't get much communication with the outside world I was like hey like just to let you know like you've always trusted me please continue to trust me I've never let you down before you know I wouldn't be stupid about things I think things move through thoroughly. I have met someone. He has proposed. I've said yes and I do want to marry this guy in a few weeks time. And yeah, it was a lot for them to digest. Like my god, my phone was blowing up with my family. Like what are you doing? We need to know more. Who is this guy? Like all the normal questions you would ask someone. All the normal questions. They were not extra. They were doing it out of well our kid. Like we need to know you're my sister. like normally you meet we meet each other's like partners or whatever. Um it was a massive shock navigating filming, navigating this new relationship and navigating my family and friends back home, the ones I was allowed to tell cuz obviously NDAs, it was overwhelming. Um and my bless my dad, he was um he wasn't too happy cuz he thought I would have trusted him more in life to tell him the truth. So, he didn't want to be a part of it until my wedding day cuz he goes, "Well, if you've decided to get married and meet someone and you didn't want me to know about it, well, I'll just I'll see him on the wedding day." Um, and that was the first time my dad was like a dad cuz he's been a very relaxed, chill, my parents are divorced, so, you know, probably took a step back to let my kids be cuz I don't want to be the bad cop maybe. Um, so yeah, that was hard to digest cuz I was like, "Oh god, like my dad's being a natural dad now. need to navigate this which we've never done before. So yeah, I feel like I lived 10 lifetimes in that one summer. I can't I can't imagine how like that must have felt though like cuz you everything you said you didn't I didn't really get that vibe that was like that like obviously we knew about the tradition thing because of that the conversation that you had when the introduction to all happened things like that but like for me the one thing I thought and I don't know whoever's watching will agree with me or not but like >> it very much felt like you were all in >> like you were going to you gave absolutely everything to make I did. >> And >> so all of this was happening on the outside, >> but I that's how much you saw me being all in to be dealing with all of that and I'm so focused on my person. That's how much I was all in. >> But it must have been like and then what was it like when like you know you kind of you build it all up and then you know you get to the wedding day and everything that happens happens and like how's that? And you kind of cuz the reality there is a point where the reality show ends. I know you get like the after the alter stuff that we don't see for a year and all that but like what was that like cuz you know coming back home and knowing what had just happened and everything because I remember seeing the um the after show when you guys were in the studio and I'm like when it all cuz it starts off with you guys and I was just like what has just happened like like what? No way. >> Um I was shocked. So I was shocked that it will happen because I thought it was very much going to be okay like things will work out. But >> well that's what we expect especially as being I think culturally we would have assumed like you know both of them would never take marriage lightly like if you're going to sign that you're going to at least try to make it work. Um and like families will be involved and you know like that's what I expected and thought that was going to happen and that wasn't the case. Um so yeah it was um my family was really great like everyone accepted it from my immediate family. Um they embraced it. They took it as they're married and that's that. Let's you know go along with it and we'll support and we'll get to know do a bit backwards and get to know. But then I guess in an arranged marriage I pretty much did that cuz I've come home married >> and how it's like hey guys now you can form a relationship and that's what arranged marriages are like you know how much did the family and cousins and the friends and everyone know much about the bride or the groom when they get married in those situations. So I didn't feel like I did anything wrong at all. I I thought actually traditionally I've done it pretty much how everybody wanted. Um but yeah, it was hard to navigate real life if I'm going to be honest. Um cuz it was such a high pressured short time. >> M >> and maybe if there was more time in that process, which there will be now going forward in the new seasons, they give them a lot more longer to live together. Things could have been different. Who knows? But I was I thought I met my person and that was that. So yeah, I would have I you know, the in me, the fighter in me would have been like, you make it work. You do your best. And you need to know sometimes when it's it's just not working and when to yeah leave it be >> like with like with like love is blind and everything comes that fame factor and stuff like that. Is that something that you how have you kind of coped >> with kind of going from just your normal self to suddenly >> like you're in millions of households not just in this country but around the world have know you've seen you somewhere like I'm sure there's moments where you know you're walking down the street and someone will look at you be like where do I know her from and those sort of moments. So what's that like for you now? Do you want it? It's really surreal cuz um cuz it's like that people just watched me as a person. Like they just saw me talking to my family, talking to my friends, navigating a relationship. And to be recognized in a positive light for being yourself is honestly the most incredible honor because you weren't I wasn't performing. I wasn't a paid actress. I wasn't following scripts or a production character that they wanted. I was just being sua and that was and that was it. So it does feel surreal like you know there are days where no one knows who I am and I'm like oh okay cool. And then there were other days I'm like oh wow. Yeah. But it's good energy. Anytime someone sees me it's good energy. And I've always said to people, if you put yourself out there, you have to then respect if someone wants to talk to you or they talk about you, negative, positive, whatever it is, you put yourself out there. You have to you have to have a thick skin now. I have to accept with that comes some people would want to see me on the street and have a conversation. And I do I feel like I do owe them that sometimes. And yeah, it's just um it's just yeah, it's so surreal honestly. Like when I look back at my lifetimes, I'm like, what? How is this even? Yeah, it's um it's just it's wild. But um to be recognized in a positive way means at least I'm having a positive impact and maybe inspire people in in that light. That's all you can want in life, isn't it? It's um if you can't build a legacy in one way, at least build a legacy for your personality. And I'm just really grateful that that's happened. And if people didn't recognize me, that's fine because I didn't go on there for fame. I went on there to potentially Yeah. fall in love and meet someone. >> But when you when you look back at sort of, >> you know, you went through your list earlier and things like that that and it very much felt like you were very rigid in that at one point. And is there was there anything like >> were there things that happened during that time that maybe we didn't get to see and it didn't air or anything that you look back on you think how did I put up with that like I I should have walked out of that point or >> were there certain points because I feel like with relationships in general I feel like like I'm very much the way you said like make it work you know I mean if that is your person you will find a way >> and >> but unfortunately not everybody is built that way and very much of like yeah I'm going bail whenever they first chance they get the first chance of me trouble we're going to bail and everything like that but was there any moment that you thought yeah this this isn't for me I want out I want to leave right now I can't do this like >> yeah um yeah there was actually moments on that show so the day we move into apartments I felt like an energy shift um and there was something in me that just felt like what's happening here? Like is this the same? I questioned the person I was with on that day when we moved in. Um and I got reassured pretty quick within like a few minutes if I'm going to be honest. And I thought, okay, maybe I'm just overthinking it. God, I listen to my intuition, my gut so much more now because I think that was my body feeling a certain way. I pick up on energy quite quick. Um, and then there was a moment um, at the wedding and it was like it was such a happy lovely day and I think I it just it was an energy. I don't know. I can't put pinpoint on it but when we look back on the show specifically I've skipped actually quite a bit. The whole thing about usual types when that came up um, in my situation that to me I'm like sa like bless you. like you were so naive and you just assume that someone who lives in Manchester, they just don't know in a village, sorry, in out in Greater Manchester, they just don't have Indian people there and that's why probably someone's never met an Indian girl. Like that's how naive I was. I should have known from that someone has a type and that's okay. It's not a red flag to have a type. I'm not that person's type and I need to hear them say that whether they're reassuring me anyway. You know what I mean? So there were moments moments with my mom when we have a chat and things were mentioned and I thought did I really just accept that? Obviously, there was more to that conversation, but yeah, you look back on it and I just think I think yeah, I wanted to always be in a relationship where someone looks after you cuz I've always done that for myself. And I think I almost allowed someone to actually take over for me and lose myself. And then yeah, I almost you see like a sparky, you know, open person at the beginning and then towards the end I I just go completely within my shell that yeah, it just shows I lost myself in that relationship. So yeah, there were moments where I could have probably spoken up a bit more and I didn't. Um, and I've learned speak up now. Don't be scared to ask questions. If it's meant to be, ask the hard questions. It will be. So, >> is I guess was there when it all ended and like you know you came back home, the camera stopped rolling. Um how did it feel like did you did you did you feel like you had to start again now? Was there that kind of feeling or was it more of like you know like like how do you look back at that relationship? Like do you look back and think this is >> a really important part of my life albeit >> I suppose people will say they might say that it wasn't real it was just on TV there's that aspect of opinion as well and but you also have the aspect of people of yourself of you're thinking well it was real to me and now I've got to start again because you were all in >> where were you with all of that if you look back at it now >> so when I look back on it after the reunion ad so my relationship ended in January last year the show came out in the August August and the reunion we filmed it in the August for it to be aired the week afterwards. So when I look back on let's say August September I was honestly I was a mess. Like I was probably in one of my darkest places mentally if I'm going to be honest. Um and it was just it wasn't a great time. I was getting so much love and support from the public being like yes you met someone and we're rooting for you. And then obviously it ends and then I'm getting the whole oh my god we're like we're we feel for you and and it was just um I didn't feel like I had Yeah, I felt like no if I look back on it cuz obviously I have to really look back on it. Yeah, I did feel like cuz in that time I'd hit 30 as well. So it was my 30th birthday and I was like wo like um having filed for divorce, my relationships ended. Everything I envisioned the day I got married has just gone and I struggled and I turned to really unhealthy habits to get through the year. So when everybody saw me at that reunion, I was such a broken I don't know how I sat there to say my truth and say what I needed to say cuz as soon as I finished afterwards, I think I could barely even get out of bed. Um, so yeah, I did feel like I had to start again. I felt like I hadn't seen how much growth I've had at this point. At this point, I was I wasn't growing at all. I was going back 10 steps mentally, physically, emotionally. So, I had to rebuild whilst I was now in the public eye. So, yeah, it was honestly last year was so tough. The love and support got me through it though from a lot of people and they won't ever really know the extent. So, so yeah, >> if and this is a definitely maybe something you might be able to answer. I don't know. But if he if if you had kind of just seen past everything and you were continuing all in as you were at the very beginning and things he didn't do what he did. Do you think you would have still been together now regard like Py or do you think at some point you were you probably would have cracked and thought yeah he is not for me >> like I would have cracked >> yeah at some point I would have cracked cuz just in those three months of us being together um I'd completely lost myself like I was yeah I was losing myself quite a lot and people were noticing so yeah I would have eventually had some sort of breakdown Okay. And just continuously starting again, like what advice would you give to somebody who's in their 30s, they're thinking, you know, life's never going to be the same. I'm having to start again, >> new new beginnings, a new new really. Um, what would you tell them if you can give anybody advice right now? I would say to them, number one, stop thinking about the future. It honestly takes away from where you are at in life. Because when you keep thinking about what the future should be, where you should be at, you fail to realize how much love there is around you, how much good there is around you, how much there is around you that you don't even know exists. You can find there's just so much to do in the world and so much to see. And we get so caught up in the mundane routines of life and conforming and being there for people and you know it's this person's birthday and that person's that and we need to go and visit this person. That's not what life's about. Life is what makes you happy. Where where do you get the love from in your life? And just focus on that because it just enriches your life so much. And you then start working on yourself. You start working on your internal health and well-being. When you do that, you come so much more content that you let life then be as it's meant to happen instead of rushing it, forcing it. And yeah, don't get me wrong, I have many moments where I'm like, oh god, like am I ever going to meet someone? Am I even someone that is lovable for someone else? Like, can someone actually love me and be with me? Like, is that a thing? Um, and then I also think, oh my god, am I ever going to have kids? Is that maybe not in my path now? Um, and trust me, I have all of that happening on random days, which is why I do like to keep busy in a healthy way now. Because the moment I'm not, I'm like, "Oh, what's happening?" Um, but it's normal. There's others out there. Just just focus on your journey. Just focus on yourself and forget it will be the way it's meant to be. We can't change it. We can't force it. Um, and just don't let those thoughts overtake you cuz it can put you in some dark places which you don't deserve. you have one life, just one life to live it, enjoy it. Um, so yeah, like this is why people say to you now, like, oh my god, so you're always smiling, you're glowing. And I think it's just because I've finally realized to just choose happiness in whatever way that looks like every other day. Some days it's a pizza and that makes me happy, but you know what I mean? Just just yeah, just just live live it life in a light-hearted way cuz it's very short. Um, and you don't want to you don't want to it's almost like to say to people like and this why I get passionate about this because I'm like we don't know how long of life we have left whether it's 5 years 10 years 20 years and if we're still chasing a timeline what happens if that timeline had it ended for us and we we where was the joy in our life where was the love where was the where where was all the good times it got you know shadowed by everything else so yeah just you don't know how short life is so just Make sure you enjoy life and don't think about the future in that sort of way. And if others put pressure on you, ignore it. That's their life and their insecurities and their anxieties. Don't let it affect your life. >> Well, it certainly feels like you're in a much better place now. Um, and I suppose you you kind of gave yourself that grieving period to >> kind of allow yourself to feel what you feel. >> Um, there's a quote I heard the other day where the opposite of grieving isn't happiness, it's forgetting. and you're and I feel like you have got to that point where you've not necessarily forgotten everything that happened, but you've been able to take that certain part that you do remember >> into the thing and leave the rest behind. And I feel like that's a really >> good and positive mindset to to to show throw to everybody really. But like in terms of >> the cultural expectations that come and it's this as a as a Asian boy, it's so much easier than it is for a girl, right? I know that. And we have it. We are very privileged >> as Asian boys to be able to and have a different >> We're looked at differently. Rightly or wrongly, we it's just unfortunately it's just the way life is. But like did you >> like I know like I know difference between like when I got married my sisters got married it was very much like it was very different like there was a lot more pride. I felt like when the daughter gets married and things like that and like do you ever >> when everything had happened the way it broke down was any part of you thinking like not necessarily I've let anyone down but did you ever think like they they may not be proud of me anymore or they may think oh now I've come back home I I my marriage didn't work out is how my parents my family my siblings you know extended are they going to look at me in disappointment or they was that a fear in your mind when you going through everything you were going through. >> Honestly, at that point, no. For the first of my life, because the minute I went on to that show, I was like, "Right, so your life from this day onwards, you put yourself first and that's what you're going to do now forever more. Every decision now, you have to put yourself first." So, when I came out of that and that relationship ended, I actually just felt sad for myself first and foremost. I actually felt like, >> oh, I've let myself down. Maybe I should have asked more questions. I should have tried harder. I should have just seen signs. Like looking back, obviously I couldn't see signs, but um yeah, I felt like I let myself down. Um and that was that was the biggest thing. I actually felt like I let myself down first and those who were supporting me publicly. That actually was my first two. Um and then it was more cuz family, my immediate family were always going to support me no matter what. Whether good times, bad times, I knew that support was going to be there. I didn't feel like I let them down. The wider family, they've been gossiping about me since God knows when. You do something right. You hear a room and I'm like, "Really? I did that?" You know what I mean? They're going to talk. People are going to talk no matter what you do in life. Whether you have the most successful job, marriage, business, they will talk. So for me, I just thought I'm so over the whole extended family at this point. like whatever, let them be. They've been saying stuff. So yeah, that was the time of my life I thought where growth has finally happened where I'm not scared of the extended wider everything. I'm actually more sad for myself. >> Yeah. The I suppose you can never get away from the gossip, right? Like speaking from experience. >> Yeah. >> Yeah. I've heard things about me and I'm like, "Wow, I must be some guy to be able to do all of this." I didn't know I could do that, you know, and but it is >> at one point I lived at my grandparents house for uni. Um, and they were saying to my granddad like, "Oh, like she's coming home late on these certain days. Are you sure like she's doing what she's doing?" I was wearing a netboard dress coming back on the tube after a late match on the other side in East London and they I'm in my trainers with my bag, everything, and they're still telling my granddad that she's been clubbing or partying. That's what she does every week. Whether I am or not, I'm literally in my net kit. So, you know what I mean? You just can't you honestly people are just something else sometimes. I'm so passionate about just let people talk cuz it's hilarious like you can do the best and they'll still find something. M >> so like with that kind of thing. So just sort of like the last sort of question like cultural expectations is like is there a line between respecting like where you've come from and not allowing it to dictate where you want to go? >> Correct. I have a lot of um yeah a lot of love and respect for my background, my heritage, everything. I just need them to allow me to live a life that's true to me as well. for example, I'm not going to, you know, I wasn't going to go on that show and then start making out with different guys and start being inappropriate on TV and to let myself down. Um, I just wanted to be respectful and I feel like I was. Um, and that's that. So, so yeah. >> Okay. So like I know kind of talked about like the way you saw you in a really low place and a really like moment of your life where you know things kind of just became a little bit too much at times. Um but do you think you do you ever grieve the person you were before all of this or do you ever look back and think I kind of miss >> I don't miss her. I actually feel more um sorry for her. there's a lot of like love for her because um she just needed to be told like you're doing well like the way you live you're doing well like just just keep being you because she was chasing everything and anything just to make others proud and it's sad cuz I look back and I thought God's favor like why were you not out with your friends more why were you sat there studying all the time yes I had to study but where was the balance that's what it comes down to I I could have had a bit more of a balance in my life. Um, and yeah, I feel like I I had to live it the way I lived it. That's life. You can't go back and, you know, rewrite your story. But I do have a lot of um, yeah, I do feel for her. Yeah, she definitely deserved to um, yeah, just take life a bit more relaxed and just let it be instead of trying to force it all. M >> do you think that as Asians or Indians, do you think that we give ourselves enough permission to change our minds about who we want to be? >> And do you think that's more because of the cultural expectations of us? Or is it more because >> we're always looking at the other people around us and thinking, "Oh, if I do this, I'll continue making them proud." Whereas, even though I don't want that, >> it's a bit of both. It's a bit of both. We we've been it's in it's you're inherited with those thoughts of >> do the right thing. That's what it is. And what is the right thing sometimes and the right thing almost is isn't what's best for you. Um, and I guess that's what there's a lot of sadness. I think like now I feel like I empower my own parents sometimes to just stand up for themselves and and just be happy where they are sometimes and you know if there's certain situations at work or family and relatives I'm like well if they said that what was your response then I'll just let them be. I'm like, "No, no, no, no. Communicate." That upset you. You say it in a respectful way. You It's all about communication. And I feel like the right people listen and the the people who don't listen, you don't need to emotionally attach like detach emotionally from those people cuz obviously it's a matter of respect. I I do understand our families there's a hierarchy at times. There's respect your elders, respect all of that. So, you just have to emotionally detach to get through things. And that's that's what I would I would say. And so it does definitely feel like you've reinvented yourself. Really? >> Massively. Yeah. In a good way. Also, I'm going to plug my charger in as we're still talking. >> Yeah. Yeah. No problem. No problem. That That was just going to be the question really like So, in terms of reinventing yourself, it's like a two-part question really. So, what was the the hardest part of reinventing yourself? And now looking back, what is actually the most freeing part of that? >> Okay. So the hardest part of reinventing myself was letting go of what others would think. Um so that was the hardest part. And then what was the second part? The easiest part >> just freeing. >> Um as in what did it feel like? >> Uh no just like when you look back like I feel free like like the easiest part. >> Oh my god. >> Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So the hardest part was letting go. letting go of the noise, everything, timelines, expectations, my own personal goals that I had when I was the SOA from 2 years ago and before the show. That was the hardest part. The easiest part now is just life is just lighter. Like I don't know how to describe it. It's honestly it's just so much more. You feel like you're at peace. You feel free. you feel there's no shackles off like chained to you, you know, those invisible ones. Um, and you see life differently. I take so much joy now in just the littlest things, which sounds so cheesy, but if I'm going to be honest, I didn't care about going on walks back then, like, you know, walk outside like, "Oh, yeah, cool. Nice day, whatever." I actually now have realized like, you know, enjoy life, all the little bits of it, because it's special. it. I don't take things for granted anymore. Like, you know, like you said, if someone stops me and recognizes me and has a chat, like I take that moment to be, oh, this is really nice and friendly and I'm connected with someone, I probably would never have even known existed. Um, >> and like even us having this chat, like if I didn't go through what I went through, I wouldn't be sat here talking in a way that I never thought I would be able to talk in my life and connect with someone I never even knew was there either. So yeah, life is really special and I do take a lot more for it. Um I take a lot more um what's the word? Like I recognize it more um and I appreciate it more. >> But like you got like I think I've got one or two more questions but like what in terms of success now like like just forget about everything. It's all done. We're moving forward with life now. >> What has your definition of success now changed? massively. Yeah. Success before for me was very much based on numbers. Um, very much based on title, income, materialistic things. Yeah. Everything like that. Like you know what they call social media sometimes the highlight reel. That was success for me. Now, success honestly is me being healthy, being happy, um being present in the moment cuz obviously now a lot of my life is on my phone. Um and I'm learning to be a bit more present with like family and friends and take a bit more time. Um so yeah, I guess that's my my parameters for happiness and success. Happiness is a parameter of success for me. So yeah, it's fully changed. Don't get me wrong, like you still life is hard like you know you have to work, you have to earn money and obviously we all have goals and and you're trying to achieve them. So as much as I'm talking like everything's great here. Yes, there is this reality where you know all of that I'm trying, I'm progressing, I'm working hard still. I'm moving the goalpost all the time, but it's just more of a balance now. I can be a bit more content, happy, at peace and still work hard. It's not now what it used to be. That's all. >> And suppose my last question would be if you could sit in a room with your 20-year-old self and just other people in their early 20s who have the word you hate the most, which is timeline. What would you tell them? And what would you tell yourself when you look back now and say about this timeline and figuring out life and just basically just everything we've spoken about today? God, 20-year-old me. If I could speak to 20-year-old me, I would say to another one, study hard. Keep studying hard. It will pay off. Like, don't not study. Um, study hard. It will pay off. Um, everything else will just fall into place at the right time. Stop freaking out. Cuz the more you freak out, the more you're going to be in this anxious cycle and your 20ies will pass you and you'll look back and be like, "Oh god, like how much of it do I don't even enjoy? How much happiness was I even happy at times?" And yeah, just let life be. Honestly, let life be and just Yeah. Yeah. She was actually my 20-year-old self was actually at my grandparents house studying for exams. I remember that. and I would be doing allnighters, sleeping in their living room, onto the dining table to study, back on the sofa. Um, the door would be I would actually lock it from the inside of the room I would be in so no one disturbed me. I was in such a crazy time of my life and I wouldn't even go out with friends. Like if my friends like, "Well, you need to eat." I was like, "Yeah, I can eat at the table." That's how much I've really put into my education. And that's fine, but you should not I should not have been anxious during that time. I should have been able to study hard and still be mentally okay. So, >> yeah. And I suppose end it with what's next? What's next for you? What's >> what's next for me? What? It's such a >> Yeah, I am working on stuff. Um, I'm someone who when I work on things until it's all done, that's when I will I will, you know, sing my songs and praises about it. But I am working on stuff that make me happy. Um, so yeah, but at the moment I'm just trying to be authentic in the social media world, which is really easier said, no, hard. Wait, it's easier said than done. No, it's much harder to be your authentic self in a social media world. So yeah, I'm just trying to manage that, enjoy that. Um, and then also, yeah, work on some projects that will come to light before Christmas. Anyway, >> well, I hopefully speak for everybody. We all look forward to seeing what what's next for you. Uh, but with that said, thank you so much for coming on. >> Really appreciate it. And to everybody who's watching, hopefully you took something away from today. And we'll catch you soon. Um, but please remember to like, subscribe, and share and everything. And Sora, thank you so much. >> No, thank you for having me. >> Thank you. But yeah, we'll call it there. See you later, guys. Cool.